


Between you two

by shethenightwolf



Series: Between you two [1]
Category: Red Dead Redemption
Genre: Cowboys & Cowgirls, F/M, Love, Love Triangles, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2019-10-12 18:30:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 37,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17472737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shethenightwolf/pseuds/shethenightwolf
Summary: You’re secretly in love with Arthur Morgan, but there are obstacles on your way to get to him.Arthur Morgan x Reader (x John Marston)





	1. Chapter 1

It was late night when he came into your tent with his bleeding hand. You got up right after you saw him, wanted to help him as soon as possible.

“You seriously got into a fight in a saloon?”You asked. ‘Seriously, Mr.Morgan?’

“Don’t talk so loud ma’am.” He whispered with a pain in his voice.

“You got pretty wasted too…” You sighted. “Show me your hand. **Oh, Arthur…** I think you’ll need stitches for this cut.”

Arthur moaned when you touched his wound. It was still bleeding.

You gave him this look - it was full of disappointment and compassion at once. You warned him not to drink so much when he’s with Lenny, but he didn’t listen. The pain he felt was the cost of not listening to you, but you felt bad for him anyway.

Looking at him you realized you never told about the feelings you had for him. You tried to be as near as possible, you were quiet sure you both were good friends, but also too shy to tell him the truth.

“Alright, Arthur…”You tried to be as gentle as possible when you touched palm of his hand. “I will clean it first and then put some stitches on it.”

“Have you ever done this before?” He mumbled. “I mean… have you ever stitched someone up?”

“Relax, I’ve done it few times…” You tried to comfort him.

“I’ll try.”He said quietly. “I’m just making sure you know exactly what you’re doing”

“I’m not, but you will be just fine when I finish.” You smiled blankly. ‘You can close your eyes if you want, you are probably drunk enough so you won’t feel the needle.’

He did what you said. He closed his eyes and sighted heavily. You started cleaning his wound with alcohol and piece of fresh material and then you started putting stitches on it.

After 15 minutes you were finished. It wasn’t as hard as you imagined. You gently put bandage around his hand.

“All done. Wasn’t so bad, huh?” You asked, but he didn’t answer. “Arthur? Fuck, Arthur. Wake up!”

He didn’t respond to your calls. He was sleeping real tight. You looked around the camp in order to get some help.

“John, I need your help…” You said touching his arm in order to wake him up.

“What’s wrong, Y/N? It’s a middle of the night…” Be said sleepily.

“Arthur came back drunk and with wounded hand so I needed to take care of it and while I was doing so he fell asleep.” You rolled your eyes realising how pathetic you sound. “John, he’s too heavy for me to put him to his tent.”

“Got it, Y/N.” He said. He got up himself and then lifted Arthur up and with your help placed him on his bed. “Fuck, Arthur, you’re heavy.” He added exhausted.

“Thanks for your help. I think he’ll appreciate it in the morning.” You said.

“He probably won’t.” He said and smiled at you. “But that’s okay, he’s like brother to me. Take care of him. I’m sure he will appreciate **your** help though.” He winked and you felt your cheeks turning red.

“See you in the morning then.” You quietly said in order not to wake up anyone else in the camp.

You sat in Arthur’s tent next to him. You watched him breathing hoping he will feel better in the morning. You were sure of it but still were worrying.

The longer you stared at him the more you were tired yourself. You didn’t even realise when you fell asleep next to him.

•••

When you woke up next morning Arthur was no longer in his tent. You stood up and made up your hair. You went outside and saw Tilly and John next to fireplace.

“Hi guys, have you seen Arthur?” You asked.

“Trouble in paradise?” John coughed.

“He left early this morning…” Tilly said watching you carefully before she added:”He got a letter from this Mary girl. Perhaps he wanted to check on her.”

“Oh.” You didn’t know what to say. “I’m just glad he feel better.”

John noticed your confusion. You were standing there trying not to cry so it was pretty obvious something was wrong.

“Hey, Y/N, want some coffee?” He asked.

“No thanks, I’m fine.” You said. “I think I need some time alone. I’ll go for a walk.”

They didn’t say anything just let you go alone. They knew in that moment they couldn’t say anything to make you feel better. Perhaps they already figured out your feelings for Arthur, but they also knew your situation was awkward. Especially when Mary showed up.

You were walking next to the nearest river. It was quiet so you could gathered you thoughts together. The tears were falling down your cheeks. You felt beaten by this Mary, a girl who clearly mattered for him. You were feeling emptiness inside you. You also felt that whatever you did she could easily replace you. Because they had history and you were someone new.

“You shouldn’t be alone, ya know…” You heard men’s voice behind your back. “You only letting yourself down more.”

You turned back and saw John. He was holding a red poppy seed in his hand.

“I hope you like flowers. I don’t know though, I’ve heard women like flowers..” He said awkwardly. “And I’m sorry for joking about your situation.”

“I do. It’s so pretty, thank you, John.” You smiled and took a poppy seed in your hand. “No worries. But I wouldn’t call it paradise either.”

“I also thought you shouldn’t be alone. You know he ain’t worth it, Y/N.”He said and look you deep in the eyes. “He ain’t. And shouldn’t be a reason you’re sad.”

You didn’t said anything just kept looking back at him. He came closer to you and took your hand.

“Listen, I’ve known Arthur for a long time…” He lowered his voice. “He just can’t realise how lucky he is. He just keep coming back to the past and can’t get away from it. But he will realise I hope soon enough what he’s missing, Y/N.”

“John Marston, what are you trying to say….” You whispered.

“What I’m trying to say is how beautiful person you are. You’re beautiful outside it’s pretty obvious, but you are more than this. More than just pretty gal, ya know.”

You blushed at the sound of his words.

“I don’t what to say, John…”

“Don’t say anything. Just know you’re worth only what’s best, nothing less.” He smiled. “So please, don’t cry.”

“I didn’t know you’re so..sensitive I guess.” You chuckled and wiped away the tears on your cheeks. “Thank you.”

He came even closer to you than he was and hugged you. You rested your head on his shoulder and let this moment last. You really appreciated his words. And his presence.

“Let’s head back to camp, shall we?” John asked after a while.

“I don’t think I want to go back there right now.” You replied. “But I won’t hold you back. I’ll join you later.”

“Ouch.” John chuckled. “Do you think you can get rid of me this easily?”

“No, I was thinking more about your son and Abigail. Perhaps they’re missing your presence in camp.”

“They will manage.”

“So you say.” You said and smiled.

And you both were sitting next to the river for next 3 hours. You didn’t talk much but the silence between you wasn’t awkward. You were happy John was there with you. You felt safe having him beside you.

•••

By the time you and John got back to the camp, Mr.Pearson managed to cook dinner. Everyone else were already sitting nearby the fireplace.

After a moment you realised Arthur was there too. When he saw you with John he seemed like he wasn’t pleased, but you ignored it.

“Oh, Mr.Morgan you came back.” You said emotionless. “How’s your hand?”

“Better.” He murmured. “I didn’t have an occasion to thank you for stitching me up.”

“Don’t mention it.”

You sat in front of him. He was looking closely at you. You tried to ignore him as much as you could. You wanted to give him and yourself time to think. But you couldn’t help but stare back at him.

‘So you and John, huh?’ His voice broke the silence between you two.

You didn’t know what to say. You were blankly staring and him and couldn’t believe in what he had just said. There was a growing tension in the air.

“You’re a fool, Morgan.” John broke the silence between you.

“Is Abigail happy with that? You and new _friend_ of yours?’” Arthur spit last words.

The time slowed down when he spoke last word. You could only see John punching Arthur in the face and then them two collapsing in a fight. Other girls started screaming. Meanwhile Dutch and Micah were trying to split them up.

And you were just standing there wondering what had just happened.

Someone shot three times in the air.

“Is that what you all call gentlemen’s behaviour?” Miss Grimshaw asked. “Calm down. Both of you.”

You saw their faces covered in blood. They must’ve punched each other hard. You’ve never seen them this angry. They were standing there unmoved with a fury in their eyes. If it wasn’t for Dutch and Micah and of course, Miss Grimshaw they would probably kill each other.

“It’s gone too far, John. Go somewhere, you need to cool off.” Dutch said. “Arthur, I think he cut your down lip.”

“I’ll be fine, Dutch.” He replied.

“You’re bleeding, Arthur…” Tilly said standing next to you. “I think Y/N should see this.”

“Since when she’s a doctor here?” He asked with anger. “Fine, fine.” He added when he saw Dutch’s face.

You went to your tent and you told Arthur to sit on your bed. You sat next to him and looked at his cut lip.

“You should’ve gone after your lover boy, Y/N.” He hissed when you touched his cut gently. “He’s probably jealous as hell right now.”

“You’re the one jealous here, Arthur.” You couldn’t keep it to yourself no more. “John hit you because of what you said I guess. Me and him are nothing more than friends. We never were. Not like you and that Mary girl.”

“And I’m the one jealous here, huh?” He asked with irony. “You thought it’d be better to make me jealous by hooking up with him?”

“Oh God, no! We’ve never hooked up. ”

“Arthur is fine, Y/N”.

“Are you always so confident, mister?” You touch his cut harder and he moaned.

“Fuck, it hurt, sweetheart.”

“I hoped so.” You said and finished cleaning his cut. “Done.”

You got yourself up and wanted to go out, but he caught your hand.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Arthur asked.

“Find John.” You took his hand from him. “You beat him up too, I want to make sure he’s fine. ”

“So you care about him.”

“I do. He’s my friend. But not more than you care about your girl, Arthur.” You said.

“Mary is not…”

He was talking but you couldn’t hear him. You went out looking for John. Your head was a mess. Part of you wanted to stay with Arthur and talk. But you were also feeling offended with his words. You needed some time to cool off yourself and get some things straight.

 


	2. Chapter 2

It took you a while to find John. He was sitting under the tree nearby the river where you were together a few hours ago. He was blankly staring at the water but when you approached him, he smiled through the pain of his wounds.

“There were so many places you could go, and still you chose this one?” You smiled back at him.

“You know I have good memories with this place. And I unconsciously knew you were going to look for me. I didn’t want you to keep searching for long.” He said. “How is Arthur by the way? Didn’t I punch him too hard?”

“From what I can see he punched you harder.” You said looking precisely at his face. He had his bottom lip cut just as Arthur and a huge bruise on his left cheek. “Does it hurt much?”

“Nah, it’s okay.” He assured you, but after a short break he added. “Actually it hurts a lot, I think a kiss would make me feel a lot better, ya know…”

“John…” You said while your face blushed with shame.

“I’m just kidding, beautiful.” He chuckled. “I’m really fine. Could’ve been worse, I guess.”

You chuckled nervously hoping that in the dark he didn’t see your red-colored cheeks. You sat next to him and gently touched his face.

“Yeah, it could’ve been worse…” You said. “At least the cut isn’t deep and this bruise… you probably have had worse than this one.”

“I just wish it was Arthur, not me.” He said out of sudden. “He deserved it. If he hadn’t I wouldn’t have punched him, you know, Y/N?”

You didn’t answer at first. You were looking at him and you felt bad, because he did it for you. If it wasn’t for you, he wouldn’t have a reason to punch Arthur.

‘I’m so sorry, John…” You started but he interrupted you.

“Don’t be.” He said. “Fuck, why can’t Arthur even for once take blame on him, huh? It is his fault I punched him, not yours, Y/N.”

You remained silent. You knew deep inside that if Arthur didn’t start to attack you by his questions John wouldn’t have lost his temper. But it came so easily for him. Like he would’ve wanted to do this for so long and that evening he had a chance to finally do so.

“Arthur’s not a saint one here.” He said looking at you. “Please don’t feel pity for him. Not even for me, okay?”

“You know I can’t do that.” You said with sadness in your voice. “He was trying to make me uncomfortable with his questions, not you.”

“I won’t let anyone hurt you or even try to make you feel uncomfortable, Y/N.” He said.

“On the other hand…” He added when you didn’t answer. “Look at the bright side of this. It cost me a bruise and a scratch to get all your attention. So much for this little.”

“John, it’s not just a scratch…”

“Hush…” He chuckled and gently put his arm around you and brought you closer to him. “Don’t talk. I’m trying to enjoy this moment with you in the moonlight. So please don’t ruin it with talking how much Arthur beat me up, okay?”

You reasted your head on his shoulder and did exactly what he asked you to do. You were sitting there together and watched the reflection of the moon in the water. You didn’t say another word, just enjoyed this moment together with him.

•••

You came back to the camp at night. John decided he would stay away for a while to avoid getting into another fight with Arthur. He knew Dutch wouldn’t be pleased if he hit Arthur one more time, so he didn’t want to tempt fate.

You couldn’t sleep. You kept thinking about Arthur. And John. And them two fighting. You would’ve never thought you’d be a reason for someone to fight. Or even part of a reason. It made you feel guilty. You didn’t want to see them hurt because of you.

In the morning you were exhausted, but managed to get up and help Miss Grimshaw and the others with chores at camp.

After you had finished cleaning dishes from the day before, you sat next to the fireplace and drank coffee Hosea’s made for for you. Then you heard Arthur’s voice nearby.

“Was John in so bad condition you must’ve stayed with him through the night, huh?’ He asked with irony in his voice. “Where is he anyway?”

“I don’t know.” You said tired. “But in case you’re worried he’s fine.”

“I’m glad.” He said shortly and sat next to you.

“You don’t mean it.”

“Yeah, I don’t.” Arthur looked closer at you. “Listen, I wanted to talk yesterday but you clearly didn’t want to waste your time with me.”

“A time with you, Mr.Morgan, is never wasted.” You teased him. “But you know, duty called.”

“Yeah, duty…”

“I don’t know why you keep doubting my words.” You said. “It’s you who keep running after some girl… and you clearly has feelings for her.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Y/N”.

“I don’t? So please, enlighten me.” You said angrily.

Arthur took a deep breath and wanted to start talking when Dutch appeared behind your back.

“Oh, Miss Y/N, I’m so glad to see you.” Dutch said. “How are my boys doing? Will they be fine?”

“Sure, they will.” You responded. “It might take some time, but they will be just fine only if they don’t get into fights this often.”

“Good.” He said shortly. “I also hope I’m not interrupting you. I need you both to go to Valentine to collect some package from the post office.”

“Together?” Arthur asked.

“No, apart.” Dutch rolled his eyes. “Of course together, that’s what I meant by saying **you both**.”

“Dutch, you know I can do it on my own…”

“Don’t question me, Arthur. “ He said roughly. “Y/N, Miss O’Shea also wanted you to go and buy some things from this list for her…” He passed you a note. “I thought you’d be safer with Arthur there.”

“But I still don’t have new horse…” You said unsteadily.

“But Arthur has his.” Dutch said before you even ended your sentence. “You can’t tell me you can’t ride together on one horse.”

You and Arthur exchanged looks. There was no point in arguing with Dutch. You both know it wouldn’t change a thing, so the only option was to do what he had just told you.

“I just pick my things and we can go, Arthur.” You said after a short break.

“As you wish.” He said and started walking towards his horse. “I’ll wait for ya.”

Within a minute you were walking back with your gun. You came near Arthur’s horse as he was already up on his horse’s back. You looked up to see him from the ground.

“Come, sweetheart.”

You sat behind him and put your hands around his waist. You felt the warmth of his skin and his muscles hidden under his shirt. You pulled yourself closer to him in order not to fall while riding. Or at least that’s how you explained your actions to yourself.

Suddenly Arthur chuckled.

“What’s so funny, Mr.Morgan?” You asked.

“Nothing, Miss Y/N.” He replied. “I just got this goddamn feeling… Ya know, you and I, together? It’ll be one glorious ride.”

“Can we just go, Arthur?” You hurried him up. Your cheeks were turning red, again.

“Yeah…” He turned his head back to you and smiled when he saw you blushing. “Let’s go.”


	3. Chapter 3

You  arrived in Valentine after the noon. You almost forgot how this  town looked like. But it hasn’t changed since you were a child. It was still  filled with mud and fellas, who spent their free time between head   hunting, drinking themselves almost to death.

You didn’t waste   time and went directly to get things from the note Dutch gave you   earlier. Meanwhile you were shopping, Arthur went to collect a delivery   from the post office.

When you finished you went outside and  felt  how cold it really was. You didn’t mind it when you spend most of  your  time nearby fireplace in the camp, so of course you didn’t have a   thought to take your jacket with you.

“Damn.” You hissed and shivered.

You   decided to wait for Arthur in saloon, hoping no one will bother you   and  took a free sit next to the counter. But you realised your hopes   were  too high, when a stranger sat next to you and said.

“What a beautiful lady like you, can do in such awful town like Valentine?” You turned your face towards him.

“I’m waiting for a friend.” You decided to cut it short, but men next to you was really importunate.

“As far as I can see he’s not coming.” He bend over you. “But I can keep you company.”

He   put a hand on your knee and you immediately stepped back. Your hand   reached for a gun, but at the same time you heard familiar voice.

“I think this lady doesn’t want your company.” Arthur showed up behind you back. “So back off, partner.”

“I… I’m sorry, sir.” Stranger said trembling and ran away, stumbling on his way out of saloon.

“Easy peasy.” Arthur said like nothing’s happened. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah..”   You replied still feeling you heart racing faster than usual. “I’m   wondering why is everyone so scared when you show up.”

“I’m sure   my gun does the job.” He chuckled. “I’m glad you’re okay. And I’m sorry   it took so long. We can go back whenever you want.”

“That would   be a short trip. Shame, because last time I was here… I don’t know,  four  or five years ago? Anyway, it still feels like a long time.”

“We could go for a walk, if you want.” He proposed unexpectedly.

“But   it’s pretty cold out there.” You pointed finger at your white thin   shirt you were wearing. “No chance I’m going for a walk wearing this. I  will freeze.”

“I’ll give you my jacket.” He said and handed it to you. “Is it better?”

“Yeah, a little…” You said putting it on yourself. It was way too big for you,  but you didn’t care. It was warm but what’s most important it was _Arthur’s_.

“Good. Then let’s go, sweetheart.”

He gave you his hand and you hold it. You went outside and slowly walked   through Valentine together. You were holding his arm, when he said:

“If we were in Saint Denis, we would look like one of these aristocratic couples who strolls down the streets everyday…”

“But instead we’re looking weird, walking in mud in Valentine.” You couldn’t help but laugh at your own words.

“Yeah, that’s true.” He laughed too.

“Do   you think Dutch will be mad that it took us so long?” You asked   suddenly. “Not mentioning we’re strolling around instead of getting   back.”

“I think he won’t.” He said shortly.

“You could go   on your own here…” You suddenly said and stopped, turning your face   towards Arthur’s. “And Dutch knew you can. You would even manage to buy  stockings for Miss O’Shea, I guess.”

“I wouldn’t be this sure.” He chuckled. “Besides, I’m glad he made you go with me.”

“Is that so, Arthur?” You blushed.

“Yes.   I’ve wanted for so long to spent some time alone with you.” He   admitted. “But you’re always so busy doing something in the camp or   spending time with someone else, it’s annoying.”

“Are you jealous?” These words slipped through your mouth uncontrollably.

“Maybe.” He teased you.

You   both continued slowly walking further. After a moment the silence   became overwhelming for you as neither you or Athur knew what to say   next.

“Arthur?” You asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re here with me, too.” You whispered, but he heard you clearly. In a second his face was lighten up with a smile.

“That’s good because I want to show you something before we go back to the camp.” He said then whistled for his horse.

“Where are we going?” You asked when you sat behind him.

He   didn’t answer your question. You were riding for a while, when he   suddenly stopped down the hill. He helped you come down from his horse   then took you by the hand and led up the hill. When you were on top the   view took your breath away. The sun was slowly setting down and amazed   you with it’s beauty. Arthur slowly came behind you and put his hands   around your waist.

Your shivered when he gently pulled you closer to him.

“Arthur…” You said. You can feel your cheeks burning when he said your name in response.

“It’s beautiful here.” You managed to say. “How did you find this place?”

“I   was riding back to camp one day. Got off main road trying to hunt down  a  deer and came here by accident.” He replied. “But I’m happy I got a   little lost then. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to show it to you.”

You smiled.

“I’m   just wondering, Arthur…” You couldn’t keep your mouths shut and asked.   “Wouldn’t your girl be jealous if she knew you are here with me now?”

You   were afraid you’ve gone too far with your question. But you couldn’t   stand thought that after all this time he was still at her command.   Every time she sent him a letter the next day he was going to check up   on her. Every goddamn time and you couldn’t stand it, even though you   desperately wanted to hide it.

“Wouldn’t John be If he knew you’re here with me?” He asked you back.

“Why would he be jealous?” You turned around to see his face. “I told you, he’s my friend. You know that…”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that lie, but I’m not blind. His actions speak for themselves.” He pointed.

You   ignored his allusion. Trying to change the subject your fingertips   gently touched his cut bottom lip. The wound was already dry as it was   healing well. He pulled you closer again and moaned when you   accidentally pushed his lip harder.

“Ouch, that hurt…” He whispered.

“I wish I could make something to ease your pain.”

“I think you can.”

He   gently pressed his lips against yours. He kissed you slowly,   delicately  and with so much passion. You kissed him back, putting your hands on  his neck. You could swear this few second you shared together  were  purely magical. It seemed for you like the world stopped. It was  just  you and him. For a moment nothing else mattered.

“I’ve   wanted to  do this for so long…” He said looking you deeply in the eyes.  “You don’t  even know how long it took me to kiss you.”

“I… I have to think, Arthur.” You said unexpectedly realising what you just have done. He backed off loosening his embrace.

“I thought you wanted this too.” He was confused by your actions. “Have I done something wrong?”

“No you haven’t, I wanted this too, Arthur. But it’s all happening too fast.”

“I   see. Wanna go back to camp?” He was still holding your hand. “I can   give you all the time you need. I know what you worry about… This   situation with Mary… but you don’t have to. I mean it, Y/N.”

“Yeah, that’s the messed up part, Arthur.” You said looking down. “I wanna go back.”

•••

You   were driving in complete silence. When you arrived everyone was   already  sleeping or sitting quietly in their tents. You didn’t even say   goodnight to Arthur because it felt too awkward then. You just went   straight to your tent and laid on your bed.

You started regretting   your words. But at the same time you knew it was the right thing to  do.  It was all going to fast and you remembered Mary. You couldn’t get  her  out of your head. She could have Arthur’s attention whenever she  wanted.  You were wondering if it also works for you. Would Arthur be  there for  you whenever you need him? You really wanted it to believe  it.

While you were thinking you heard Dutch talking to Arthur nearby.

“How did it go, son?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He murmured trying to get rid of Dutch’s attention.

“Was it so bad?” But he kept asking.

“I don’t want to talk, Dutch.” This time he said it putting an accent on every word. “What part you don’t understand?”

“Oh, boy.” Dutch said calmly. “So it went bad, I guess.”

Arthur   huffed and you could hear he walked away. You wanted to talk to him,   but instead decided you both should get some time to think it over. To   calm down. You didn’t want to rush anything because you assumed it would   only get things worse. And you wanted to avoid it at any cost.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been a week since you last talked to Arthur. You took your time, trying to distance yourself from everything that’s happened. You focused on helping Mrs. Grimshaw by working in the camp, while Arthur was away for most of the time.

Not that you weren’t wondering where he was going every day. But it was you who wanted some time to think, so you couldn’t blame him for whatever he was doing out there.

You had a moment when you thought the wisest thing to do was to stop feeling anything for him. But even in your head it sounded ridiculous, because every time you saw him your heart was racing faster. You could lie to your mind, but not your heart.

One day you were working harder than ever doing things that were supposed to be men’s work, only to distract yourself. When you ended your tasks, you felt how hot it really was and how sweaty you got.

You ended up searching your whole tent for one clean shirt, but found none. You sighted disappointed, when John approached you from behind.

“You got pretty messy, beautiful.” He said when he entered your tent. He handed you his black shirt. “Here, take mine.”

“Wouldn’t it be too big for me?” You asked.

“Maybe, but at least it’s clean one.” He smirked.

“Fair enough.” You laughed then took it from him. “Turn around, please.”

John followed your command, while you took of your shirt and threw it away. You put on the one he gave you, but as you thought it was too loose. 

“I look ridiculous” You chuckled as he turned back towards you.

“You’re overreacting.” He said coming closer to you. “Just make a knot here, you see?”

He took and tied two ends of shirt on the height of your ribs, so it automatically got more tight. You raised your head to look him in the eyes.

“Better?” He asked seeing you smile.

“Yeah.” You said unbuttoning first two buttons. “What do you think?”

“Perfect.” He said without much thinking. “I mean, it’s okay.”

“Thank you, my saviour.” You said walking past him, getting back to your work. “You saved me from melting in my dirty, wet shirt.”

“Don’t mention it.” John said without taking his eyes of you.

When everything was done, you sat next to the fireplace feeling every bone in your body. Hard work might have been good for your mind, but was physically exhausting. The air was timid as it was mid summer evening and the only thing you could dream of was a bottle of beer.

“You are working too much, Y/N.” Javier approached you, handing a bottle to you. “I’ve never seen a girl working harder than most of the fellas out there.”

“And you’re a mind reader, Mr. Escuella.” You said taking the bottle from him. “I was born and raised on a farm. My father always made me work this hard, I had to earn money on myself from the start. I guess it eventually paid off.”

“I see.” He said patting your arm. “I think someone wants to talk with you. ”

You turned around and saw Arthur standing right behind you. When Javier left you two alone, he sat down next to you. For a moment you both remained silent.

“You’re back early.” You said to somehow start conversation.

“Yeah…” He said looking closely at you. “Is that a new shirt?”

“No, it’s John’s.”

“John’s?” He asked surprised. “Since when you’ve been wearing his clothes?”

“I was working all day and got dirty, but had no clean shirt on my own.” You said putting the bottle of bear next to you. “No big deal.”

“Yeah.” He sounded slightly irritated. “Nevermind. I wanted to ask you..have you been thinking about what happened last time we were together?”

“I have.” You said and got yourself up. “But I don’t want to talk about it here. We should go someplace more private I think.”

“Sure.” He got himself up and went straight to his tent. “Are you coming?”

You followed him inside. He sat on the edge of his bed, while you were still standing in front of him.

“Wanna sit down?” He asked. “Or you’re gonna stand over there?”

You sat unsteadily next to him. The situation was becoming more awkward as you didn’t really know what to say to him. Artur sighted, feeling the tension between you. He put his hands on yours, looking you deep in the eyes.

“Are you gonna say something? Anything?” He encouraged you.

“Maybe you should say something first…”

“I made myself clear last time.” He caressed your hand. “It’s your turn.”

“I’ve been thinking… and realised I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of getting hurt.” You replied looking down. “I know it’s silly. But that’s how I feel. That’s why I was pretty much avoiding you this week. Thought… you would get over me or something.”

“Get over you?” He smirked. “Nah, never.”

You blushed. You were getting more comfortable next to as the tension was slowly disappearing. You caressed his cheek, putting your thumb on his bottom lip. He pulled you closer, placing you on his lap. You slowly pressed your lips against his, feeling your body burning under his touch. The kissed you shared was soft. He moved his lips down your neck, leaving a hickey on it.

“Ouch.” You nervously chuckled as it hurt. “Could you please stop sucking my neck?”

“I’m just marking my territory.” He whispered to your ear. “I don’t want anyone to touch you like I do. I want you to be just mine.”

“What if I don’t want to be yours, Arthur?” You teased him. “What If I’m just playing with you?”

“Your body shivers every time you get closer to me, I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking back at you…” He smiled gently. “Clearly, you don’t want to be mine.”

“Oh, right.” You said playing with his hair. “But I’m wondering if you want to be mine too? I warn you I won’t be sharing you with anyone.”

“Good.” He said slowly unbottoning your shirt.

“Hey, slow down, pretty boy.” You put an accent on last two words, because you knew Arthur hated when someone called him that.

“Pretty boy, huh?” He bit his lip. “I just don’t like you in that shirt you’re wearing.”

“Because it’s John’s?”

“Maybe.”

“Jealousy looks good on you, Mr.Morgan.” You said buttoning back your shirt. “But you’ll have to manage till I wash my old one.”

“You’d look better in mine.”

“You bet.” You laughed. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He put his hands on your waist. “Remember the day when Dutch brought you here for the first time? Just right when I saw you I knew you were special. Your smile, your beautiful smile… And that eyes of yours, I could look at them for hours straight.”

“It’s not the answer, Arthur.”

“Goddamn, Y/N, I want to be yours more than anything.” He said. “Do you think why I’m jealous, huh? Because I can’t stand seeing you with any other man.”

“And I can’t stand seeing you running after Mary.” You confessed, your cheecks turning red again.

“I’m sorry I put you in this position, sweetheart. It’s messed up, but it’s also over. She was once important in my life, I admit. But not anymore.” You smiled blankly, trying to believe in what he’s just said.

“Okay.”

“You don’t seem convinced.” Arthur pointed seeing confusion on your face.

“I trust you, Arthur.” You replied lifting yourself up from his lap. “Don’t fuck this up.”

“I won’t.” He grabbed your hand before you stood up. “Where are you going? Leaving me alone again?”

“No, I just need to get some fresh air.”

“I’ll go with you.” He said standing up next to you.

He was still holding your hand when you left his tent together. Right after you saw John sitting in front of you next to the fireplace, looking suprised at you both. There was anger on his face mixed up with regret to you. In that moment you realised Arthur was right, when he told you John wasn’t just your friend. His facial expression told you everything he couldn’t find words for. You looked back at him feeling your heart breaking. There was a single tear running down you cheeck but you had washed it away, before Arthur noticed. But John did.

“Is everything alright, love?” Arthur said loud enough for everyone to hear. “You got pale.”

“Sure, everything’s fine.” You turned your head towards him. “I’m just feeling a little bit dizzy. It’s so stifling outside.”

“Wait here, I’ll go get you some water.” He said walking away. “I’ll be right back.”

“Thanks.” You managed to say, while your eyes were searching for John nearby the fireplace but he wasn’t there anymore. You realised how much seeing you and Arthur together might’ve hurt him and felt guilty, because you were foolish from the start. You’ve always thought he was your friend, never considered him as someone more than this. But right there everything began to fit into one whole. And with that thought you’ve realised how much you’ve just hurt the man who cared about you the most.


	5. Chapter 5

You had to get some time alone. You were overwhelmed by everything that was going on. You told Arthur to give you some space and went to one place you could think of. The lake. Deep inside you were hoping John would be there. But he wasn’t.

You were confused, but you knew you shouldn’t have been. You felt something for Arthur but as it’s turned out you might’ve felt something for John too. Another way you wouldn’t have been so crushed after seeing him right there in front of your tent.

_This can’t be real_ , you thought started getting more nervous. You’ve just made your situation clear with Arthur and something had to happen. Not that you didn’t expect something to happen, but definitely not this.

You sat putting your back against the tree where you used to sit with John. You thought about all those things he’s done for you since you’ve met. He’s always been the most caring and sweet for you. He made you feel good and wanted from the start. No wonder why he became your friend so soon. You could rely on him, trust him. He had his flaws but he was trying his best for you.

But then Arthur happened and you fell for him right away. When you saw him nothing else really mattered. You tried your best to get him to notice you and he did. Strong, handsome, rough outlaw, yet for you, he was soft and caring. You’ve always been feeling safe when he was around. And when he admitted his feelings for you, you couldn’t be happier.

Until the moment you saw John looking at Arthur and you.

The sun was setting down behind the trees, slowly leaving you in the dark. It was getting colder, so you decided there was no point in sitting them forever. Eventually, you got back to camp and saw that Arthur was arguing with John.

“You are only gonna hurt her, Morgan, and you know that!” John hissed standing right in front of him. “How long will it take for you to leave her for your Mary?”

“Be careful, Marston. The ice you are walking on is thin.” Arthur replied calmly, trying to keep his cool.

“How long, huh?” John repeated. “You’re just gonna fuck her then leave her?”

And that was too much for Arthur as he reached John, grabbed his shirt, lifted him and pushed his back against the tree and pointed his fist at his face.

“Yeah, punch me. You’re only good at beating people.” John murmured then noticed you standing behind Arthur’s back. “Go on, show your girl what’s you’re really good at.”

You stood there watching them two and not knowing what to do. You didn’t know if you were angry or sad. Confusion was growing inside you with every passing minute.

Arthur let John go, slowly turning back to you.

“What the fuck are you two doing?” You asked angrily. “When will you finally stop trying to kill each other, huh?”

“Y/N, it’s not what it looks like” John said. “We just had a little misunderstanding.”

“From what I’ve seen it wasn’t _little misunderstanding_.” You said. “Grow up. Both of you.”

You turned around and went away, leaving them on their own without listening to their explanations. The last thing you needed was them constantly arguing and fighting.

You reached your tent and went inside. But you just managed to sit on the edge of your bed when John approached you, stood in the entrance and said:

“Tell me, you don’t feel a single thing for me and I’ll let you go.”

“John…” You were shocked by what he’s just said. “It’s not a place for this conversation.”

“I don’t want to talk. Just deny it and I’ll go.”

You remained silent, your eyes looked down trying to avoid his. Deep inside you knew it would be the wisest choice, just to deny it, to tell him off, but you couldn’t. You could’ve fool your mind but not your heart.

“That’s what I thought.” John said breaking the silence. “Do you think of me when he kisses you? Or fucks you? He doesn’t deserve you, Y/N, you should know it.”

“Don’t you dare to tell me who deserves me or not, John.” You felt growing anger inside you as you thought he went too far with his questions. “I thought you were my friend.”

“Maybe I’ve always wanted to be more than that.” He said coming closer to you. “Not just your friend.”

“You could’ve told me…” You felt tears in your eyes.

“But I haven’t. I saw the way you looked at him.” John said. “And I thought I could live with that. Turns out I can’t. When I saw you and him together… I just can wish it was me not him.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Tears streamed down your face. “You should’ve given up on me back then.”

“Turns out I can’t do that either.” He turned his head away from you fighting back tears. “And I had to know If you’re feeling anything for me.”

“John…”

“Y/N…” He looked right at you. “Inside, I was hoping you wouldn’t deny it. I’m happy you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry.” You murmured.

“Marston, leave.” You’ve heard Arthur’s husky voice behind John’s back. “Or I won’t be holding myself back again.”

“Is that a threat, Morgan?” John asked facing Arthur.

“It’s a warning.” He huffed then smiled maliciously at John. “I won’t let my girl be harassed by you.”

“Oh, I’m sure she likes my company.” John smirked. “If you want me to leave, get out of my way.”

Arthur laughed under his breath while clenching his fists, trying to control himself. He moved away, letting him go. He looked at you worried and asked:

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, don’t worry.” You hoped he didn’t notice that you cried. “I’m glad you didn’t punch him or something…”

“I didn’t want you to see this. If you weren’t here I’d probably punch him once or twice.” He covered the entrance to the tent and sat down next to you. Two candles burned next to your bed, brightening the darkness. “I hope you do not see me as someone who can only beat others. I’m not like that. Or at least I wouldn’t like to be.”

You smiled gently getting closer to him. You touched his rough cheek, twisting his head towards you then kissed him gently. He smirked when he felt your lips on his own. You blushed, hoping he wouldn’t see it. When you were with him, all the problems were gone. Only he was important. Everything else seemed insignificant.

“I don’t, Arthur. ” You said.

“Good.” He replied, bringing his head closer to your neck. You could feel his warm breath on your skin. “Relax, love. Let me take care of you.”

“Okay.” You whispered as he started kissing your neck.

Pleasure increased with each of his kisses. After a moment, he unbuttoned your shirt and took it off you, throwing it on the floor. He put you on the bed without breaking the kisses. You felt your body tremble slightly under his touch. You knew what would happen in a minute if you just let him.

You have always dreamed about it, from the moment you saw him. However, as soon as he unbuttoned your pants and then began to unbutton his, you doubted that you were ready for it. You never did it before, and Arthur… You could only guess how experienced he was.

“Arthur…” You said, interrupting his caresses.

“Yeah?” He leaned over you, your lips were almost touching when he asked. “Is something wrong? Do you want me to stop?”

“No, I… It’s just..” You mumbled, burning with shame. “I’m… I’ve never…”

You felt your cheeks turning red. You took a deep breath.

“I’m a virgin.” You’ve never felt more awkward in your whole life. “I hope.. it’s not a big deal.”

He looked surprised by your confession, but he just smiled, looking deep in your eyes.

“Actually, it’s a big deal, love.” He laid down next to you, stroking your naked collarbone. “Would you like me to be your first?”

“Of course.” You turned aside to look at him.

“Then I’m honored.” He said blowing out the candles next to your bed.

“Arthur, one more thing…” You said when he embraced you. “Please, be gentle.”

“I will be.”

That night you gave yourself the man you loved, hoping that he loved you back. However, one thing couldn’t leave you alone. And late in the night, laying down beside Arthur, you realized that he might not be the only man you love.


	6. Chapter 6

The last few weeks were heavenly. Arthur and you were doing just fine. You were spending together every free moment you had, enjoying your company like never before. You started to feel more and more emotionally attached to him. He was your first and you really hoped you’d be your last.

It was easy for everyone in the camp to accept the fact you and he were together. Well, almost. John didn’t take it well and you haven’t spoken to him since your last argument. It was too hard for you to watch him as you were with Arthur. His sight was fulfilled with anger and grief. You made your choice, you chose the one, but you still couldn’t let the thoughts of John go.

Arthur was happy, you could see that. He has won and somehow you felt like a prize for him. But you were trying not to think about it this way. You got what you wanted too. You got Arthur Morgan’s heart and devotion. What else could you possibly want?

But it was too idyllic to last long and soon you realized another trouble was coming your way and her name was Mary. Again. She was like a boomerang and ironically always hit you hard when you didn’t expect her at all.

And when you thought she’s long gone, Arthur got a letter.

“Another letter?” You asked angrily when Arthur showed you the piece of paper, he was holding.

“She just needs my help.” He scratched his head awkwardly trying to avoid your sight. “Just one last time.”

“Are you kidding me, Morgan?” 

He didn’t say a word just came closer to you, embracing you at the waist and pulling you closer to him. You turned your head, not giving him a kiss. He chuckled under his breath, knowing you were teasing with him.

“We’re adults, Y/N. I’ve known her for half of my life and she really needs my help.” He pointed looking you in the eyes.

You rolled over your eyes and he used the moment of your vulnerability by stealing you a kiss. His lips felt so good, you couldn’t help but indulge them. His scent, his warmth, his touch made you crave for more when he suddenly stopped a kiss to take a breath. He knew exactly how he made you feel. Oh, and he surely enjoyed it.

“Don’t tease me, Arthur.” You groaned whilst your lips were barely touching.

“Oh, I’m not teasin’ you.” He said smirking and keeping his voice low.

“I don’t want you to go see her.” You said suddenly when he buried his head in your neck, leaving small kisses on your skin. 

“Mhm.” He hummed making you feel like he was ignoring your words.

“Arthur.” You said firmly, stopping him from kissing you. “Look at me. I don’t want you to go and I mean it.”

“Y/N, I can’t leave her alone while she needs help.” He said looking in your eyes. “It will just take me a few hours and I’ll be back home. Do you believe me?”

You lowered your head, trying to stop the tears from falling down your cheeks. You couldn’t bear it anymore. You couldn’t understand why he didn’t ignore her letter. The thought of him seeing his old love again was unbearable, despite all of his assurances. He was doing it over again and you were just sick of him and his excuses when he Mary needed his help.

“I.. I do.” You managed to say with breaking voice. “But last time I checked you were saying you’re done with her. Can't you just stop confusing good with simply being naive, Arthur?"

He was trying to grab your hand before you left your tent, but he didn’t. You went out quickly as you didn’t want him to see you crying. You walked past Hosea and Dutch, who exchanged their looks in confusion. Mary Beth was trying to stop you, but you ignored her. You were angry and full of grief. Why was Arthur doing this to you? Who the hell were you to him? Nobody more important than Mary from what you could see.

“Love...” Arthur said when you stopped as he was following you all the way from camp.

“Leave me alone.” You threw, leaning against the nearest tree. “I’ve heard enough.”

"I'll be back in the evening, alright?” He said, trying to touch you, but you shook his hand from your arm. “Y/N, I could’ve not told you that, you know? You wouldn’t have known about a damn thing.”

“You know what, Arthur?” You turned to him so he could see your tearful eyes. “ Maybe that would’ve been a better option.”

Arthur huffed and walked away from you and didn’t even turn his back. You felt like he’s just ripped a heart out of your chest, but you let him go. In the end, it was his choice and he clearly chose what he really wanted.

*

Rest of the day was terrible. Everybody knew something was wrong between you and Arthur, but you tried to act as if nothing happened. But they knew it was just a role you were playing. You felt so anxious thinking what Arthur was doing while he was away you could barely focus on doing anything else. Finally, the evening came so you could take a break from pretending everything was alright. The fire warmed your skin, letting you find a peace for a short while.

“Don’t worry, child.” You heard a women voice behind your back as you were sitting next to the campfire. It was Mrs. Grimshaw who was trying to comfort you. “Men always come back. ”

“Or they don’t.” John said maliciously, sitting in front of you. “Trouble in paradise, Y/N? Arthur left you for Mary? What an obedient dog he is.”

“What’s your point, Marston?” You asked wondering how easily you went from being friends to foes.

“I told you, he would leave you for her.” He laughed under his breath as if he enjoyed watching you suffer. “I’m wondering what they’re doing right now, huh? After he helped her? So many possibilities.”

His words cut you like a knife, but you decided not to respond to his taunts. You were more above this, but he was hitting your most vulnerable spot. **Arthur**.

“How does it feel to be a second option to someone, Y/N?”

And with these words, you’ve had enough. You immediately stood up and walked away from a campfire. This wasn’t your best day. It was even one of the worst days you’ve ever had in your life. Everything was falling apart and you didn’t know what to think anymore. You brushed your hair back from your forehead, trying to think rationally, but you knew it was pointless.

Suddenly you felt John’s hand grabbed yours then he took you a bit behind the camp so no one could see you and pushed your back to the tree you were standing next to. When he put his hands on both sides of your head you knew you couldn’t escape. But you didn’t want to escape. You felt broken and all you wanted was to ease your pain.

John leaned down to you. He was so close you could feel his breath on your skin and his heart beating so loud so you could hear it.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “For a minute I wanted you to feel like I do when I constantly look at you and Morgan.”

“It sucks, doesn't it?”

“Yeah.” John sighed, turning his head away but you stopped him with your hand.

“Look at me, John.” You kept your voice down. “Don’t turn away from me.”

And as your eyes met, the tension between you two started to grow up rapidly and you were aware where it was going, but you didn’t stop it.  You didn’t want it to stop.

He grabbed your chin and lifted it up gently as he was leaning to kiss you. The kiss you shared was so pure, so subtle, so needed for you both. You closed your eyes and focused on John. He was your distraction as you desperately wanted him to be one. Slowly the kiss was becoming more intense. You put your hands in his hair, pulling yourself even closer to him while his hands wandered to your waist.

“Fuck, beautiful.” His husky voice made you shivered. “I wish it was me who you kiss like that every goddamn day.”

“John...”

“Just... please, remember the way I kissed you.” He kept his voice low. “Because I will never forget the way you kissed me even if you did it only to forget about him.”

“You love him, not me. You love a bastard who is looking after his ex.” John murmured after you didn’t say anything for a while. “While he has you.”

You remained silent as you couldn’t find words to say. John smirked when his hand touched your cheek realizing it was burning hot. You looked down trying to hide your embarrassment. Suddenly you felt bad you let him kiss you.

“It was a mistake, John.” You shook your head. “Moment of weakness.”

“I don’t doubt it, beautiful.” He chuckled giving you some more space. “But you enjoyed it, didn’t you? So maybe it wasn’t a mistake after all, huh?”

You got out of his grasp and let him walk you back to the camp. You didn’t talk just walk in awkward silence for a minute or two. What you did was wrong and you started to feel guilty. You had no idea what Arthur was doing when he was with Mary so you couldn’t say it was a payback. Or revenge.

You had to admit Arthur was your weakness and John knew that well. So when you were defenseless he used it to get what he really wanted. He wanted you and it was obvious. He wanted to mess in with your head and he succeeded. But what happened when you arrived back to the camp hit you like thunder.

Arthur came back, but he wasn’t alone. He brought Mary with him to the camp. And the only sentence he said was:

“It’s not what it looks like.”

But you knew what you saw and what it meant.


	7. Chapter 7

You couldn’t gather your thoughts. You couldn’t find words to say. You were just staying over there looking blankly at Arthur and Mary. She was holding his arm when Dutch approached them and he didn’t seem pleased. There was a rule: no strangers in the camp and Arthur simply disobeyed him by breaking it. But from the look of his face, you could see he didn’t care about that much.

“Y/N.” John said staying behind you. “Let me –”

“No.”

You didn’t listen to him. You never listened to anyone when you were mad and at that moment you had to use all your inner strength not to kill someone in your sight. You were slowly walking towards them, carefully watching Mary. She was really pretty. No wonder why Arthur used to love her at some point in his life.

You didn’t care that everyone else was watching stealthily what you were doing. You didn’t care that John was watching. Suddenly the grief you felt turned into rage and you couldn’t control it any longer.

“What is she doin’ here, Arthur?” You desperately wanted to hear his answer. You completely ignored Mary’s presence next to him. _He was yours, not hers._

“I can explain…” 

“It’d better be good, Arthur or I swear I won’t be so calm.” You clenched your fists, using all your strength to control your words and actions. 

You looked at Mary with anger as she was still holding Arthur’s arm. Her face was fulfilled with fear, but you didn’t care about it at all. You were just about to say something mean to her when Dutch interrupted you.

“One night.” He hissed. “And I don’t want to see her here in the morning. What the hell were you thinking?” 

“Dutch…” Arthur looked at him desperately. “Thank you.”

Dutch didn’t answer just shook his head in disapprobation. He walked away leaving you three on your own. You were waiting for an explanation from him, but the longer you waited for it the less you wanted to hear it.

“Mary’s father is in really bad condition. He was so aggressive, I just couldn’t leave her with him alone.” He said after a moment of silence.  “The train to Saint Denis leaves tomorrow morning. I didn’t want to leave her alone at the station too.”

“I… I don’t even know what to say, Arthur.” You said feeling the growing anger inside you. _It must have been a goddamn joke_. “Have you already forgotten what I told you this morning?”

“I’m not your servant so that you can give me orders, Y/N.” He said looking angrily at you. “Or to tell me what I can or can’t do.” 

His words cut you deeper than a knife could ever do. Within a seconds you felt like nobody. Like you’ve never mattered anything for him and it hurt like hell. Soon he realized what he has just said to you, but it was too late.

“Love, I’m so-”

“Spare it, Arthur.” You felt your eyes filling with tears. “It’s obvious I mean nothing for you. You might not be my servant, but surely you’re _hers_.” 

“Excuse me?” Mary spoke for the first time since she arrived. “I didn’t want to cause any trouble… Arthur didn’t mention he has another woman in the camp.”

“But you did. You’ve always been a problem, Mary.” You snarled at her. She hit your vulnerable spot and she knew it. “Didn’t he? Oh, that’s something new!”

“Enough, Y/N. Can we please talk about it in the morning?” Arthur stopped you before you managed to say anything more. “Get some rest –”

“Whatever, Arthur.” You said shortly and walked away from them. 

It took you a while before you let the tears fall down your cheeks. You could feel every inch of your body hurting. You were wondering how he could hurt you this much, but you realized it was pointless because the more you thought about it the more it actually hurt you. You didn’t know where to go. You knew sleeping in your tent was not an option since you’ve been sharing it with Arthur for the past weeks. You didn’t want to leave the camp either as the night was only getting colder.

There was only one place you wanted to be. You instinctively directed your steps towards John’s tent. He was sitting there alone as usual and reacted immediately when he saw you in tears. You fell into his arms, burying your face against his shoulder. 

“What happened, Y/N?” John asked you, pulling you closer to him. 

“Mary happened…” Your voice was shaking. “Damn, John, how could I be so foolish thinking he ever really loved me? Was I only good enough when Mary was not around?”

“Y/N, you’re good enough. Even better than that.” He caressed your cheek, wiping away your tears. “Don’t cry, beautiful. He ain’t worth it.”

“You should get some rest. You can sleep here if you want.” He added after a while. 

“But where will you sleep then?” You asked him, feeling horrible pain in your head from crying. “Will you stay with me?”

“If you want me to.” He smiled. “I can sleep on the ground. I don’t mind.”

“Good.” You sat on the ground, leaning your back against his camp bed. “Then we will both be sleeping here.”

John chuckled then sat next to you, covering you both with a blanket. You rested your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes. The warmth of his skin, the beat of his heart made you feel extremely comfortable with his presence. He left a small kiss on your forehead and you smiled uncontrollably. You knew you shouldn’t have felt this way, but with all that mess with Arthur, it felt so good to have John by your side.

You couldn’t fall asleep right away, but you were sitting still, listening to John’s regular breath. After a while, the camp became so quiet it was the only thing you could hear. 

“I love you so much, Y/N.” John whispered as he thought you were already sleeping and couldn’t hear him. “I love you so much, but fuck, it hurts so bad sometimes.” 

You stayed unmoved, but inside you felt enormous pain. It wasn’t that you have never thought about it… But you never thought it was true. You were always thinking the others in the camp were only teasing you, but as it turned out they noticed it much earlier and they what’s worse they were right. 

John was caressing your cheek for a while before he fell asleep. But you couldn’t. You spent a long time thinking about his confession before you finally let yourself rest.

And even in your wildest dreams, you wouldn’t have thought that Arthur wasn’t spending this night comforting Mary. He was there, sitting in front of John’s tent watching you both cuddling at the moment of your despair.

*

The morning came so fast, you didn’t even remember the moment you fell asleep. You were woken up by shouts of Arthur. You opened your eyes and realized John wasn’t beside you anymore.

“You piece of trash!” Arthur growled.

“Fuck off, Arthur!” John replied angrily.

You immediately got up and rushed outside to see what was going on. Soon you realized they were fighting again. You have never seen Arthur this mad and you were almost sure it wouldn’t end up well.

“I was gone for one day, John, one goddamn day and you already laid your dirty hands on my woman?” Arthur snarled at him.

“It wasn’t me who brought my ex to the camp and was acting like it was nothing!” John fired back. “Do you even realize how much she suffers because of your stupidity, huh?”

It was too much for Arthur as he came towards John and punched him with all his strength in the face, but it didn’t take long before John hit him back. After a moment they were both fists fighting on the ground drawing the attention of the entire camp. You were trying to separate them and almost succeeded when Arthur drew his revolver and pointed it at John.

“Enough!” You shouted standing between them, but neither of them seemed to notice your presence. “Look at you, you’re acting like a goddamn —”

You didn’t even end your sentence when you felt enormous pain as Arthur swung and hit you with his gun directly in your cheek. The time has slowed down whilst you fell down on the ground. You felt the taste of blood in your mouth as it slowly started to run down your chin. You gently touched the place he hit you with your hand then looked up at him. This time Arthur realized fast enough what he’s done. He was so angry he didn’t notice it was you who rushed towards him.

You looked at John as he glared at Arthur before he stood up and approached him, punching him angrily in the face. He staggered, releasing a weapon from his hand. John kicked it away, realizing he was bleeding pretty hard from his nose. After all, Arthur was stronger than him and didn’t spare him this time.

“Enough!” Dutch bellowed rushing towards you three. Hosea was following him, looking disappointed at all of you. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Acting like goddamn children, that’s what you’re doing!”

“Are you alright?” Hosea crouched beside you, helping you to get up from the ground. You immediately felt dizzy and staggered when you stood up, but he held you back from falling.

“I’m fine, Hosea.” You reassured him, but he wasn’t convinced. “Could’ve been worse I guess.”

“You don’t look good.” He pointed when you leaned on his shoulder. “What were you trying to do?”

“I wanted to split them, they would have killed each other..” You moaned from the pain you felt while you spoke.

“You against two grown men?” He chuckled. “You’re really brave, but foolish, dear.”

Mrs. Grimshaw approached you and helped you to walk away from that mess, then sat with you in your tent. You left everyone else back there as you simply didn’t feel like dealing with them at that moment. Mrs. Grimshaw smiled at you whilst she was cleaning your chin from the blood. 

“What love does to people…” She pondered. “ But it’s worth fighting for, Y/N. Always remember that.”

“I’m trying to.” You whispered as you didn’t want to move your lips much. 

“Speaking of the devil…” Susan said noticing Arthur behind your back. “I’ll leave you two alone, alright? Be a good boy and behave, Arthur Morgan.”

“I will, Susan.” He said while she was walking out of your tent.

Arthur approached and sat next to you without saying a word. You could see he was feeling guilty, but at the same time, you were angry at him. He brought here Mary, almost killed John in his fury and eventually you got punched by him. He wanted to grab your hand but you took it away.

“I’m so sorry, love.” He said after a while. “I’m a fool.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Again tears streamed down your face. 

“But seeing you with him in his tent…” He looked up, shaking his head. “It was unbearable. Seeing him touching you…”

“I would’ve spent this night with you if you didn’t bring her here.” You murmured looking at him with regret. “Where is she anyway?”

“I took her to the station early morning.” He replied. “I don’t know what I was thinking… I was so mad at you as you were just telling me what I can and what I can’t do. I hate being told what to do, Y/N and you know that.”

You were sick of his excuses. He hurt you so many times so for a minute you wanted him to feel exactly as you did. You wanted to tell him about John’s kiss so he knew what it felt like. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t hurt the man you loved so much, even though he clearly had no problem with hurting you.

“I was looking at you both, Y/N.” Arthur said after a while. “Not that I was surprised. He was probably waiting for that moment for a long time.”

“Maybe, Arthur.” You said. “But it gave you no right to beat him up.” 

“I know.. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. I would never hurt you.” He whispered. “And I’m sorry for that situation with Mary. I… You were right.”

“I don’t want your apologies, Arthur.” You folded your arms and looked at him. “I want you to change your behavior. You said you didn’t want me to see you as a bad man, but… Today? What was that?”

He didn’t reply just buried his head in his hands. You were watching him for a moment before you stood up. You almost walked out of your tent when he asked you:

“Are you going to see John?”

“Yes, Arthur.” You turned towards him before you left. “You must finally learn that for some mistakes you have to pay the price.”


	8. Chapter 8

Anger. Disappointment. Fury.

You weren’t actually sure what exactly were you feeling. Your story with Arthur was messed up. Every time you thought everything was going to be alright, there was always something that surprised you. You were fed up with endless quarrels. You wanted to get some peace and clear your mind. 

You left Arthur alone in your tent while you went to check on John. You felt guilty about their morning fight. It’s wasn’t the first time they’ve jumped at each other throats because of you. Before you appeared in their lives they were like brothers. You could only wish that things had stayed the way they were before.

The morning sun came out from behind the clouds, illuminating the camp with its rays. The air was refreshing and helped you to cool down before you appeared in front of John’s tent. You took a deep breath and went inside.

John was standing with his back to the entrance, pulling off his blood-stained shirt. With one fluid motion, he threw it to the ground without noticing you standing behind him so you had a moment to look at his well-built back, and when he turned around you saw his muscular torso. You’ve never even thought that he would look this good without a shirt. Your heart raced faster and embarrassment was painted on your face when John laughed, seeing you staring at him with your mouth half-open.

“You can touch me if you want.” He teased and approached you, grabbing your chin and lifting it gently so your mouth closed. “How long have you been standin’ behind my back?” 

“I - I just came…” 

“I’m glad you did.” He chuckled and without letting go of your chin, he turned your head to look closer at the cheek that Arthur hit with his gun. “Uh-oh, he got you pretty bad.”

“I expected that.” You said shortly placing your hand on his. “It’s not the first time someone hit me with a gun. I’m gonna be fine.”

“Yeah, sure.” John lowered his hand, letting you go. Still, he was standing close to you so you touched his chest with your fingertips, putting one hand on his collarbone. He smirked, one hand grabbing your waist and pulling you closer to him. “I guess you came to check on me, huh?”

You nodded, looking at him with desire. You knew it was bad, but you were weak for John. He leaned down leaving a kiss on your forehead. You closed your eyes instinctively raising your head in search of his lips, but he stopped you by taking your head in his hands. 

“Don’t do that, Y/N.” He whispered when you opened your eyes to look at him. “Don’t hurt me like that, beautiful. Do not give me the illusory hope that one day you’ll be mine. We both know it ain’t gonna happen.”

You remained silent, lowered your head, looking down with sadness. You were confused and maybe John was right, you shouldn’t have hurt him more than you already did. After a moment the silence became awkward. You cleared your throat and forced yourself to look at him.

“Arthur hit you in the same place as last time.” John was confused but soon he realised you were referring to his cut lip. “I hope it doesn’t hurt much.” 

“It does.” He replied. “But at least I know Arthur got what he deserved. I’d hit him thousand times more because of what he’s done to you, but I will have to be content with what I got.”

“It was an accident.” You said, shaking your head. “I should’ve stayed out of this. But for a minute I thought I could separate you. Foolish of me. But I didn’t want Arthur to kill you.”

“Oh, that was foolish.” He smirked, sitting on the camp-bed. “I would die for you, Y/N and I ain’t afraid of it. Just so you know.”

You sat next to him, leaning on his shoulder. Again finding the words became too hard and so you were sitting in silence. You sighed suddenly and John looked at you. Your eyes met his and you couldn’t hold back yourself.

“I heard your confession last night.”

John’s eyes widen as he coughed surprised by what you’ve just told him. You smiled faintly and caressed his thigh gently, making his cheeks slightly red.

“I thought…” He started but you interrupted him.

“That I was asleep, I figured it out.” You ended his sentence for him. “But I wasn’t.”

“So you know…” John whispered, placing his hand on yours, stopping it from wandering on his thigh. 

“Yeah.” You said quietly. “I don’t know what I should tell you. I’m so confused. I feel something for you and I’m sure you know it. It’s… complicated. I don’t want to lose you, John. You’re my best friend… and I’ve never thought about you as someone more than that. Until now, because I can’t stop thinking of your lips on mine… But…”

“But?”

“But I’m not sure if I don’t feel like that only because of that mess with Arthur.” You managed to say with your cracking voice. “I don’t want to hurt you, John. I really don’t, because you don’t deserve it… And I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve the world, Y/N.” He replied, smiling at you. “But you must figure out your feelings yourself. All I want is you to be happy. Me or him? Doesn’t matter anymore. I know how you feel about Arthur. I don’t expect you to feel the same for me.”

“John…” You were holding back tears. 

“I mean it, beautiful.” 

“Thank you.” You said putting your arms around him, leaving a small kiss on his burning cheek.

“Go, talk to him.” John encouraged you. “If you need me, you know where to find me.” 

You stood up and smiled at him, leaving his tent in rush. The conversation you both just had, helped you realize that between guilt and abandonment you were desperately seeking for someone to ease your pain, to make you forget about the person who you really loved, but were hurt by him. Within seconds you’ve come to the conclusion it was Arthur who you really wanted. It’s always been him. Even though loving him was one bumpy road, you were ready to risk it all for him. Suddenly you didn’t want more distractions. You wanted Arthur Morgan.

When you reached your tent Arthur wasn’t there anymore. His journal was laying open on the table and you couldn’t help yourself and you read what was written down there. You knew curiosity was the first step to hell, but what you read made you drop the diary to the ground, feeling the tears running down your cheeks uncontrollably.

It wasn’t Arthur’s journal entry, but Mary’s. She must’ve written it last night while Arthur was away, watching John and you together. It was a love confession. You felt that weird feeling in your chest called jealousy. You knew she was up to something bad from the beginning. She wanted to get rid of you and made Arthur run away with her. For a moment you thought that’s why he was gone. He read the letter and went after her. You started to panic, your body trembled from the pain you were feeling. You sat on your bed, hiding your face in your hands when you’ve heard his low voice.

“Y/N.” Arthur stood in the entrance. You raised your head to look at him while he approached you, widening your legs so he could kneel on the ground between them. “Hey, don’t cry…”

He brushed your hair back from your face, while you placed your hands on his neck and pulled him closer to you. Your lips met and shared the most passionate kiss full of love and devotion. When he broke the kiss he automatically wrapped his arms around your waist, laying his head on your breasts, while you nuzzled his hair. The minutes were passing but you stayed unmoved. It felt so good to feel him so close to you, you didn’t want it to end.

“I thought I lost you, Arthur… I saw that goddamn Mary’s journal entry and I just.. I.. thought you left me.” You whispered.

“I would never leave you, Y/N.” He took your face in his hands so he could look straight into your eyes. “I don’t care about nobody else. I love you.”

“I love you too, Arthur Morgan.” You said before he pressed your lips against yours again. Arthur lifted you up effortlessly and sat on the edge of your bed, placing you on his lap. You pushed him on his back, hovering over him you started to unbutton his shirt. You thought John had a well-built body, but Arthur’s was even better. You gently caressed his torso, your hands wandering from top to bottom, where they stopped at his belt.

“What’s wrong, love?” He asked with a grin, without taking his eyes off you.

“N-nothing.” You whispered, suddenly feeling guilty. You realized Arthur deserved the truth. He deserved to know about your kiss with John. You couldn’t make love with him knowing what you did last night.

“I know when something’s wrong.” He said lifting himself up and leaning on his elbows. 

“I.. Arthur, I don’t know how to say it.” You mumbled, lowering your head to avoid his sight. 

“Whatever it is, just tell me.” He encouraged you, smiling faintly. 

“I.. I…Fuck.” At that moment realized how hard it would be to tell him the truth. It was a trap and your words could ruin everything you had, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to live with that lie. “I.. John…”

“Y/N, are you…” Arthur seemed to put it all together before you finished the sentence as he got paled within seconds.

“We kissed, Arthur.” 

He ran out of breath as your words hit him hard and hurt him deeply. You could see from his face the pain he was feeling when he got you off his lap and stood up, buttoning back his shirt. You could see his eyes got teary, but he didn’t let a single tear fall down his face.

“Arthur…” You reached him and touched his arm, but he didn’t turn back. “I’m so sorry.”

“I need to get out of here, Y/N.” He said right before he left the tent, leaving you alone. 

“Arthur!” You cried out.

But he wasn’t listening. Immediately you fell down on your knees, realizing the consequences of your deed. A deed that could take Arthur away from you forever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all so much for reading. It means a world to me.

Your whole world collapsed when Arthur walked away, leaving you on your own again. But this time you couldn’t blame anyone, but yourself. You had to take responsibility for your actions. You demanded it from Arthur, so why wouldn’t you listen to your own advice for once?

Your heart was torn apart. The next days have passed, but they were blurred. Arthur was somewhere, probably far away from the camp, while you were crying your eyes out in your tent. Maybe it was better that he didn’t see you this way, broken and miserable.

You’ve heard the others in the camp whisper, but you didn’t care about what they were saying. You thought the truth would set you free, clear the mess between you two, but apparently, it only made things worse.

After a week of his absence, you started getting worried. Nobody knew where he was heading and when he would be back. If he would come back at all. The second option didn’t seem like him but never before had anyone seen Arthur so angry before he left the camp. Dutch told you not to worry, but he wasn’t expecting Arthur to be away for so long too.

Despite all the mess, life had to go on. You felt a great emptiness in your heart, but the work had to be done. You couldn’t cry forever, even though you really wanted to. You spent your days outside of camp with John or Charles, hunting or simply robbing stagecoaches. Helping John with these activities made him really excited as eventually, he had you just for himself, without Arthur wandering nearby and interrupting every moment you shared. But for you every day looked almost the same. At least work kept you busy for most of the time so you didn’t have time to overthink. But you did it anyway, late night when you were lying alone in your bed. You were thinking about all the things you could have done differently. Not that thinking about it would change anything, but at least you could imagine how would it be if John didn’t kiss you that night. You were trying to act like it didn’t matter, but you couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. _Damn, in the end, that man really messed with your mind._

Maybe, after all, you weren’t over John. Maybe… just maybe, a tiny piece of yourself wanted him. You could keep telling yourself that it wasn’t true, but at the end of the day, your heart was always winning over your mind. There was no way you could fool it. And John himself didn’t make it easier for you. On the contrary, he did what he could to keep your thoughts away from Arthur. 

“Are you okay?” John caught you off guard while you were sitting on the edge of your bed, interrupting your thoughts. It was a late night and you weren’t expecting anyone to come by. “I know past days have been rough for you, but…”

“Not really, John.” You replied, feeling your voice cracking. “Truth to be told… I’m far from being okay.”

He entered your tent and sat down beside you, placing his hand on yours. You glanced at him and withdrew your hand, looking away.

“What’s wrong, beautiful?”

“I know what you’re trying to do, John…” You murmured, burying your face in your hands. “But you can’t replace him.”

“I never wanted to.” He said, gently grabbing and taking your hands off your face. “ I never wanted to replace him, I just wanted to show you that you deserve better. You deserve someone who won’t leave you because of your honesty, you know? Someone who’s not scared of the truth and won’t ever take you for granted.”

“But I hurt him so much, John… No wonder why he left me.” You said, holding back tears. “I tried to make things right, but I only made them worse. The blame is on me.”

“Hey, Y/N…” John cupped your face, pulling you closer to him. “You might think you made a mistake by kissing me back then, but still it doesn’t justify Arthur’s behaviour. He should’ve stayed and heard you out at least. After all these things he’s done to you, it wouldn’t be much if he did that for you.”

“I’m just wondering, John… How long will it take before I lose you too?” The single tear dropped on your cheek. “It looks like I’m only good at messing things up.”

“You won’t lose me, don’t even think like that.” He smirked, glancing at you. “How many times do I have to tell you that I won’t give up on you, huh? Though you’re not making it easy.”

You smiled back at him, deeply touched by his words. He was always there when you needed him the most and never stopped fighting for you. 

“We all make mistakes so don’t be so hard on yourself.” John stroke your cheek and pulled away to give you some space. “And I hope you don’t consider me as the biggest mistake of your life.” 

“What? No, John, I-” You blurted. “I just wish I knew about your feelings for me earlier.”

“I wish I had told you earlier, too.” John smirked and shook his head. “But it doesn’t change anything, right? We can’t change the past.”

“That’s a big shame.” 

“Yeah… But you deserve happiness, Y/N. I know I told you this multiple times, but you still don’t seem to believe it.” He got up and gave you his hand to help you stand up. You followed his lead, allowing him to embrace you around the waist. “It’d be better if it was me, not him, but at the end of the day… I can accept you being happy with him. But I just can’t watch you hurting.”

“I guess we both deserve it.” You whispered, placing your hands on his chest. “And one day, I hope we will be.” 

You smiled faintly, letting John pull you closer to him as you buried your face against his shoulder. You both stood there, in the middle of your tent for a moment before he pulled himself away from you. The light of the burning candle in the corner illuminated your faces, revealing the grief painted on John’s face.

“I’d better go now..” He said, breaking the awkward silence. “I’ll see you in the morning.” 

He turned around, but before he left you managed to grab his hand. This couldn’t have ended up like this.

“John…” At that moment you wanted to say so many things to him, but finding the right words was way too hard. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

You let go of his hand, immediately turning away so you wouldn’t watch him go. You kept telling yourself it was the right thing to do, but truth to be told you weren’t sure about it. Actually, there was nothing you were sure about except one thing: you didn’t want to hurt anyone no more.

Left alone, you gathered your thoughts and made your choice. It was time for you to leave. You couldn’t be in camp anymore without a sense of guilt. Maybe it was the easiest option, but you surely weren’t ready to face Arthur neither you wanted to use John any longer as he just didn’t deserve it. 

Eventually, you had to move on. 

You quickly packed your things and wrote a short letter to Arthur, in which you apologized to him. You just wanted him to know you were sorry and you still loved him if that still mattered. He deserved an explanation from you, and if he didn’t want to listen to you, then he could at least read what you wanted to say.

The plan was to leave in the middle of the night when everyone else would be sleeping. You hoped they would understand the reason you left. But before that, there was one thing left you had to do. On your way out, you have quietly sneaked into John’s tent. He was sleeping peacefully, breathing steadily, unaware that when he woke up, you would be gone. You approached him and crouched beside his camp bed. For a moment you let yourself look at him, hoping he would eventually understand why you left too. Or at least he would try to do so. You leaned down and kiss his cheek gently, feeling the rough skin on your lips. John smiled uncontrollably but didn’t wake up.

“I hope we’ll meet again, John.” You whispered before you left the tent. 

You’ve just reached your horse and managed to put your bag on his back when a familiar voice has surprised you from behind. You turned around rapidly, your hand reaching for a weapon.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“God, Mrs Grimshaw!” You shuddered. “What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the goddamn night!”

“I was the first to ask you a question, young lady…” She smirked, folding her arms. “Explain yourself.”

“I have to leave for a while… with all that mess, I’m not sure if it’s good for me to stay here.” You said, keeping your voice low. “You must’ve heard what happened…”

“Oh, darling, we all have.” 

“Then you know it’s the only way. I can’t lose them both, Mrs Grimshaw.” You sighed, brushing your hair back from your face. “I’ve already hurt them both enough.”

“I won’t be holding you back, Y/N.” She said, grabbing your hand. “But please, come back when you cool down. You shouldn’t be alone out there. This is a cruel world. No matter what, we’re your family, remember that. A dysfunctional one, but still…. a family.”

“You don’t even know how much I appreciate it… What you’ve done for me, I won’t ever forget.” You quickly wiped away the tears with your free hand. “Tell Dutch and Hosea that I’m sorry. And still, I hope I will see you all again.”

“Y/N… Be safe.” 

“I will.”

You mounted your horse and rode away fast before you could possibly change your mind. The part of you wanted to turn back, just to have a glimpse of what you left behind, but you couldn’t allow yourself to do that. It would only tear you apart more. When you were far away you stopped and dismounted your horse, letting the tears stream down your face. The tears you’ve been holding back since John left you this night. The pain you were feeling was enormous, way bigger than you’ve ever felt, however, crying turned out to be cathartic for you. You washed the tears away and looked ahead, just at the right time to see the rising sun. There was something poetic about sunrises as they meant a new beginning for each day. At that moment you thought that it was also a sign for you to begin again. From this day you were given a chance to make things right. And this time you surely didn’t want to waste it.

*

The hardest part was to cut yourself off and don’t look back. As soon as you left you decided to lie low for a little while in case anyone went looking after you. Grizzlies sounded like a good plan but only temporarily as winter was coming and it was getting colder day by day. You used your time there mainly for hunting rabbits and deers using the skills you learnt from Charles. The woods were also full of abandoned cabins that provided you with a place to sleep. Two months have passed and you couldn’t help but admit you missed your old life. The more time you spent there the more loneliness was overwhelming you. And when the first snow appeared, you didn’t have to think for long - you were coming back to Valentine.

Of course, it was supposed to be just a stop on your further journey. You were still not ready to go back to the camp. However, Valentine really was like a home to you in a way, even though it really wasn’t. You’ve been travelling from place to place for all your life. It was so easy for you to forget how real home felt like. You had no roots and when you entered the town you realized you didn’t belong anywhere. No real home to go back to. 

Soaked from the rain you dismounted your horse in front of the saloon. It took you a good few hours to get to Valentine from Grizzlies so you were exhausted from travelling for a day. _One glass of whiskey could definitely boost my mood_ , you thought. The sound of the piano reached your ears, so you entered the building and approached the bar directly. 

“Hello, Miss.” The bartender said.

“Um, hi.” You replied, sitting down on the spare chair. “One whiskey…”

Before you could finish the sentence, he placed the glass in front of you. You widened your eyes in surprise, wondering how he could know that you wanted to order it. You looked confused at the whiskey and then back at the bartender.

“I didn’t…” 

“I know.” He smiled friendly. “But the man at the other end of the counter did.”

You turned your head to look who did you this favour and immediately froze. Time has slowed down again as his blue eyes met yours. All the feelings hit you at full speed, making you breathless for a moment. And the way he gazed at you made you think that maybe, in the end, it’s not the place that’s called home… but a person you really want to go back to.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with PART 10 - for all of you who have been waiting for it :)

You thought you would never see him again and almost convinced yourself you could live without him, so when he suddenly appeared in front of you, you couldn’t find words to say. He looked at you with these blue eyes and somehow you found yourself unable to speak.

The truth was there were so many things you wanted to say to him, but you didn’t know where to start. _Should you apologize to him again? Tell him how much you missed him? Tell him how much you love him and if you could turn back the time you’d have never kissed John? But was kissing John the main reason you fell apart?_

There were no good answers coming to your head, neither anything you would’ve said seemed appropriate. So you kept quiet, hoping Arthur eventually say or do something. And it didn’t take long before he did.

He touched your hand that was lying on the counter next to the glass of whiskey. You shivered under his touch; there was something so intimate in the way he laid his hand on yours. You looked down feeling overwhelmed by the tension between you two, but clearly, Arthur wasn’t as he lifted your chin with his free hand so your eyes would meet his.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I know it was my fault. That’s why you left.” His brows furrowed and you could hear the sense of guilt in his voice. “I’m really sorry.”

It was something extraordinary for you to hear him saying sorry as he rarely did that. He has always hated to plead guilty and hence apologize, so his words really moved you as he wasn’t the only one to blame. You hurt him too and that was one of the reasons you couldn’t have stayed in the camp back then. 

“I’m sorry too. For everything, Arthur.”

“No, it was my fault. You wanted to be honest with me… I guess I’m not used to failures.” He said and turned his head away while his hand let go of your chin. “You’re my weakness, Y/N. The person I care about the most and… I just couldn’t allow myself to think that anyone could replace me in your heart, I guess.”

“A failure?”

“I’ve let you down so many times… I… I wish I could turn back time so things were different. Maybe if I didn’t let you down you wouldn’t have kissed that moron.”

_So that was about that kiss_. The kiss that literally changed everything in your life. Funny, how a short moment of weakness could lead you both to this point.  That kiss and a series of events that happened after it only made you realize that there’s always been more than one person fighting for you. You were just too blind to notice and when you did, things only got more complicated.

“Oh, Arthur…” You cupped his face, breaking every invisible boundary that was keeping you away from him. His eyes looked at you again, waiting for what you were gonna say next. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re soaked.” Arthur said out of nowhere as he stroke a piece of wet hair out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. “What do you say if we get some rest in a motel? Bet you haven’t slept in a proper bed in a while.”

You nodded in answer before you realized what you’ve agreed on. _Were you really this reckless and thought you could spend a night with him after all that’s happened?_ But there was no turning back as after a moment you were already walking there with him. You tried to calm yourself down, but when you heard him saying “ _room for two_ ” you got pretty nervous but managed to hide it. _It wasn’t a big deal, right? Just two of you in one bed after months of not sleeping together._

“Do you wanna get yourself cleaned up first?” His voice interrupted your thoughts. 

“Yeah, that would be nice.” 

Arthur smiled gently in response and went straight to the room, leaving you alone to do what you needed. You entered the room where a bath was already waiting. In a blink of an eye, all of your wet clothes were lying on the ground while you immersed in warm water. That was what you really needed after months of basically living in the woods. But you didn’t let yourself to enjoy this moment for a long time as you reminded yourself who was waiting upstairs. 

You put back on the wet clothes you were wearing and rushed up the stairs, knowing you would get rid of them as soon as you would reach your room. When you did, Arthur was already lying on his back on the bed with his eyes closed, shirtless, his belt unbuckled. You took off your clothes and quickly realized you were almost naked, only a small part of your body was covered with your undergarments. You immediately picked Arthur’s black shirt which was hanging on the chair and put it on so you would feel more comfortable. Quietly, you laid down next to him, thinking about what you were actually doing. 

“That is a pleasant view, Y/N.” Arthur said and turned over to the side to look directly at you. “You in my shirt, lying next to me… Though I’d rather see you without it if I can be honest with you.” 

“I guess you can.” You replied, feeling his hand wandered up your thigh. _Oh, he wanted you. The question was if you would let him get what he wanted?_ “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, darling.” Instinctively you were getting closer to him. _Who were you trying to fool? You desperately wanted him too and being close to him felt like a dream._ You missed his voice, touch, presence, everything while you were gone and suddenly he was there, lying beside you, looking so good that you doubt any girl would resist him. 

“Arthur…” You were so close you, you could feel his breath on your skin, your lips almost touching his. The sexual tension was almost reaching its peak and you couldn’t help but wonder who would break it first. 

“Y/N…” He grinned when the tip of your nose touched his. A second later your lips met in a gentle kiss. You smiled uncontrollably. “That’s it, that’s the thing I missed the most.” 

“A kiss?” 

“No, my girl’s prettiest smile.” _His girl. Did it mean you were forgiven?_

“I thought… I thought you were mad and would never look at me again.” You confessed to him. 

“I was, but it didn’t mean I stopped loving you, Y/N.” He grabbed your hand and placed it in the middle of his bare chest. “The feelings I have for you… they didn’t change a bit.” 

You got yourself up on your knees and when he instinctively lifted himself too, you gently pushed him on his back before you straddled his lap. Arthur was confused at first, but when he realized you were eager to give him what he wanted, he placed his hands on your hips, waiting for your next move. You could feel his manhood growing in his pants and he groaned in anticipation. 

“Stop teasin’ me, Y/N.” He warned you, but you ignored it. “Just be mine tonight. Please.”

“Where did your patience go, Mr Morgan?” 

“With you on my lap, looking like that… I’ve no patience at all.” He said with a hoarse voice as he lifted himself up and kissed you passionately then moved to your neck and breasts as he changed his position and suddenly was on top of you. The pleasure was growing with every kiss he left on your body and he knew you were enjoying it.

“Relax.” Arthur said and pulled off your undergarments, teasing your inner thighs with kisses and the sharp feel of his beard. You shivered, boosting his ego and making him proud of how his touch worked on you. Suddenly he was in control and _oh_ , he loved it. “Good girl. Let me show you how I missed you.”

You didn’t hesitate and let him do what he wanted. No doubt, it was a good choice because the night you spent together made you sure you did the right thing by coming back to Valentine. And coming back to him was clearly thing you needed the most.

 

 

Coming back to the gang was easy, though if it wasn’t for Arthur you would probably have problems with finding them as they changed their location while you were gone. You would’ve never thought that seeing them again would make you so happy; they were your family. It was good to be back home even though it didn’t have walls or the floor, not mentioning the roof, it was all you needed. 

It was nice to see Mrs Grimshaw as she smiled at you from afar. Karen cursed you right after she saw you and right before she gave you a tight hug, telling you how much you were missed. Eventually, when you’ve greeted everybody you realised one person was missing. John. But you didn’t have to wait long for him to show up in your sight. He looked shocked when he saw you and you couldn’t say if he was happy or sad to see you back in the camp. John approached you and didn’t say a word, just took you in his arms, leaving a small kiss on your forehead when you leaned your head against his chest. 

“I’m glad you’re back.” He whispered and let you out of his arms as Arthur was watching every move he made towards you.

It didn’t take long for life to go back to as it was before. There was work that needed to be done and you were ready to get back to it. You were spending your days working in the camp or doing smaller bounty hunts with the others. It felt just good. Like nothing has changed.

But Arthur has changed in a way or maybe he actually hasn’t changed at all, you just didn’t notice it. Maybe it’s always been about sex and devotion when it came to him because as soon as you got back to camp, he started to act differently. Arthur you knew was back again  - mysterious and afraid to show the others how he really felt. So different from the man you were making love with in Valentine a few days earlier, the one who wasn’t afraid to tell you how much he cared about you. In the camp, he was stone cold for you. Maybe it was because you hurt him back in the days and that was the way he was handling things in front of the others. Maybe he needed some time to figure his feelings out. There were so many _maybes_ and nothing that was for sure.

 

When one day you were working in the camp, washing the dishes when you heard John’s coughing like a crazy behind you. He’s had a cold for almost a week and still kept working, refusing to get proper rest. No one’s actually cared about his health and your heart was breaking every time you saw him that way - tired and barely standing on his feet.

“Do you need anything?” You approached him when he eventually sat down on his camp bed. 

“Nah, it’s fine.” He coughed. “Just need to sit for a while.” 

“I think you need to lay down, John.” You sat next to him while your hand touched his forehead. “Didn’t Abigail tell you to rest?”

“Abigail doesn’t care about me, Y/N.” John chuckled ironically, shaking his head. “Only thing we have in common is that we’re parents for Jack. Nothing else. Besides… I didn’t think you would come to talk to me as your bodyguard is always behind your back.” 

“Yeah, Arthur’s away with Dutch today… I guess I couldn’t let you be here alone. You’re burning up. Lay down, please.” He carried out your command reluctantly while you moved and sat on your knees next to the bed. “I’ll take care of you, alright?”

He turned his head towards you and smirked as he was staring at you. You felt a stab in your heart. He didn’t have to say a word, his eyes told you all he couldn’t verbalize. You didn’t manage to talk to him earlier and tell him you were sorry for leaving without a goodbye. You shouldn’t have left him like that, not after all you’ve been through together. 

“You don’t have to do this…” John said breaking the awkward silence.

“I do.” You blurted, immediately realizing it must’ve sounded weird. “I mean… that’s what friends do, right?” 

“Yeah… Right… Friends.” He murmured, looking away. You could sense the pain in his voice and what was worse you felt bad about it. You kept hurting him even when you were just trying to help him. “So you… and Arthur?”

“It’s complicated, John.” 

“It’s always been.” 

“Yeah…” There was no point in denying it. “Get some sleep, John. You really need to rest.” 

“I guess you’re right.” He said and made himself more comfortable before he closed his eyes. You stayed next to him and played with his hair until he fell asleep. Then you leaned your head against the edge of his bed and sat there, listening to his irregular breaths. The others were out there probably talking about you and John, but it didn’t matter to you. What mattered was to make him feel better.


	11. Chapter 11

John was breathing heavily but steadily while you caressed his forehead right before you left his tent. You lost a track of time and you fell asleep next to him. It was already dark outside when you joined the others around the campfire, but there was still no sign of Arthur. The job must’ve been harder than he and Dutch thought it would be. Karen smiled at you and pointed at the place next to her.

“How does he feel?” She asked when you eventually sat down.

“He’s got a fever, but he will be fine.” You replied, taking a bottle of beer from Javier who also smiled when he saw you coming to the campfire. “The rest is all he needs.”

“Yeah, he’s been working like a crazy for the past days. I’m kinda glad he listened to you.” She rolled her eyes, but you pretended you didn’t notice it. “Turns out, you’re the only one he listens to.”

“If you say so.” You shrugged and took a sip from the bottle. “Damn, I wish I hadn’t fallen asleep next to John. Now I’ve got another sleepless night ahead of me.”

“Oh. So that’s what you were doing there…” The smile washed away from her face within a second. “I thought…”

“Really, Karen?” Your eyes widened in disbelief. “Can’t I be in the same tent with John now, because if I’m then you all start to whispers behind our backs?”

“It’s not like that, Y/N…”

“It’s exactly like that! The other day I heard you talking about Arthur and me… John and me…” You tried to keep calm, but anger inside you was growing. “Have you already started making bets?”

“Let me explain…”

“No, Karen, I’ve heard enough.” You hissed and stood up, but before you managed to walk away from a campfire, you’ve heard a hoarse voice behind you.

“Ay, Y/N, spill the beans and tell us who’s fuckin’ ya better? Johnny boy or cowpoke Morgan?”

Everyone fell silent when you turned around slowly and glared at him, not saying a single word. _Oh, he was drunk_ , but at that moment it wasn’t a good excuse as still, you wanted to scratch his eyes out. You inhaled the air and used all the remnants of strength that you had in yourself to remain calm.

“What’s your goddamn problem, Bell?”

“I ain’t got one, I’m just curious…” He slowly got up and took a few steps towards you, laughing under his breath, amused by the look of your angry face. “Besides, if John can have you, what are my chances, huh?”

No one moved or even dared to breathe. You clenched your fists and smiled ironically at him. He was trying to provoke you, but you didn’t want to give him this satisfaction and let him know you care about what he was saying as you knew it was a lie. _But did others know that too?_

“Such a little whore you’re, aren’t ya?”

With these words, he crossed the line and before he could say anything else, you punched him in the face and he staggered but didn’t fall on the ground. You were way weaker than him and your hit, even with all your strength, was harmless to him. In the blink of an eye, Charles was by your side and grabbed your arm before you managed to punch him again.

“Ah, ah, ah.” Micah said when he touched his lip and realized there was blood on it. “I like it rough, swee-.”

The sound of the loaded gun interrupted him as suddenly Arthur showed up behind your back, pointing his gun at him. He looked at Charles and he let go of your arm but still was standing by your side. You were so occupied by Micah and his arrogance, you didn’t even notice when Arthur and Dutch came back to camp.

“Who am I seeing, huh?” Micah laughed, clearly amused by the presence of a gun next to his face. “Cowpoke, you’re back! Great, cause I wanted to tell ya-”

“Shut up.” Arthur barked and even you shivered, feeling the anger is his voice. “Get out of my sight before I will shoot you and won’t even feel sorry about it, Bell.”

“Fine. You don’t want to hear about this whore cheating on you with Marston, then fine!” Arthur’s hand tightened on the gun. He was done with hearing Micah’s insults towards you, but he tried his best to keep his cool. “You’re weak, Morgan, you’re so weak you let Martson fuck her behind your back!”

He knew Arthur was already at the edge of his patience, but it didn’t stop him from saying these last words. Suddenly, there wasn’t a thing that could stop Arthur’s anger as he hit Micah right under the left eye with his cattleman, enraging him even more. This time Micah wanted to get his revenge, but before he could get one, Dutch stepped between them, pushing them away from each other with his hands.

“Gentlemen, calm down…” He said, looking at them both alternately. “We don’t want things to get nasty, do we?”

“Let it go, Micah.” Javier grabbed his arm and pulled him away from Arthur.

“Whatever.” Micah growled and sat down, placing a hand on his bruised cheek.

“Are you just gonna let him insult whoever he wants, Dutch?” Arthur fumed, turning his head towards him.

“We’re not animals, Arthur. Not every problem can be solved with violence.”

Arthur huffed and turned away disappointed by his friend’s attitude. He didn’t expect him to defend Micah after all he’s done since he joined the gang not so long ago. However, he didn’t want to provoke another fight and focused on you as you were standing still next to Charles.

“Are you alright?” He approached you and took your hands in his, bringing them closer to his lips and leaving small kisses on your knuckles.

“I’m fine, Arthur. Just so you know, I could’ve handled him on my own…”

“Yeah, sure.” The small chuckle escaped his mouth. “That’s the way new way of saying thank you?”

“Thank you.” You said, rolling back your eyes. _You really believed you could handle a drunk man, even if his name was Micah_. “But it wasn’t necessary. I’m a big girl.”

“You might think so, but for me, you’ll always be my little girl.” He pulled his arms around you and brought you closer to him. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

You got on your toes and kissed him gently in response, making him grin. _God, he was so sweet when he wanted to_. You felt so safe in his big, strong arms, it was so easy to forget the others were still watching you.

“I need to talk with Hosea. Get some rest, I’ll join you in a moment.” He whispered to your ear as he moved behind you and kissed your cheek before he walked away.

You let yourself look at Karen, who was suddenly glaring at you. _What was her point? Was she angry because Micah didn’t manage to humiliate you before Arthur interrupted him_? Since you’ve joined the gang you considered Karen as your friend. But from the look, she gave you that evening, you weren’t sure if she ever was one.

On your way to the tent, you decided to check up on John. You were aware that probably everything was fine but still wanted to make sure. You approached the entrance and just managed to open the tent flap when you heard Abigail’s voice behind your back.

“You don’t have to care so much and check on him this often, Y/N.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” You turned to see her face. “But don’t you think you care too much about me checking on a man you claim to hate?”

Abigail scoffed. “At least I’m not caring about some other guy, while my man is few steps away.”

_Ouch. So that was her point?_ You smiled politely, pretending it didn’t bother you. “Don’t you worry about it, Abigail.”

“Well, maybe it’s the high time for you to start worry.”

“What was that? A threat?”

“A friendly piece of advice.” She pointed out and walked away.

You shrugged, trying to ignore her, but her words didn’t want to leave your head. _Maybe she was right and you were caring too much about John? But why would she even bother about it?_ You only put your head into John’s tent before you left, making sure he was doing just fine.   _It was true, you cared too much. But somehow you couldn’t stop.  
_

Abigail’s words hurt you in some way and considering all that’s happened since you came back to the camp, you decided to spend less time with John. You thought it would be better this way and maybe easier for you to sort out your feelings. At least, this was the way you could avoid drawing other’s attention. Though you tried to keep acting normally, John soon realized something was wrong, but you spared him the details. You barely talked to him, anyway,

Days were passing and it wasn’t getting easier for you nor him. Even Arthur eventually felt something was wrong. But you assured him that everything was fine because it really was. Or at least there was nothing for him to worry about.

“What’s on your mind, Y/N?” Mary Beth approached you from behind when she saw you were sitting alone next to the campfire. “You look like something happened.”

“I’m just overwhelmed by all this… mess.” You sighed, throwing the rest of your cigarette into the fire and exhaled the smoke from your lungs. “A lot of things changed while I was gone, right?”

“Some of them..” She said as she joined you at the campfire. “You will need some time to settle in again, I think.”

“Mind telling me what has changed? You might be the only person left who can tell me the truth.” 

Mary Beth smiled and lighted a cigarette, breathing in the smoke. “Something tells me you ask about Karen, right? Well, she might’ve tried something with Arthur when you were away.” 

_Wait, what?_ For a minute you thought she was joking, but from the look of her face, you soon realised she was telling truth. _Karen was trying something with Arthur? Your Arthur?_

“But he told her off as soon as she tried to get close to him. Though she still hoped he would have changed his mind… I guess you thwarted her plans.”

“Oh, that’s why she was so angry at me a few days ago… Though I’ve always thought she wasn’t interested in Arthur.” Slowly everything started to make sense for you. “And… what about Abigail?”

“Well… Don’t worry about her, alright? And about Abigail… She started talking with John again.” She pointed out. “But then you came back to the camp and John brushed her off immediately. I might’ve accidentally overheard you both talking the other night… So mean of her.”

“So you don’t think I’m the mean one here?” You smirked and arched your brow at her. “Everyone seems to have a problem with me lately…”

“I don’t have a problem. You’re not responsible for them both falling in love with you, Y/N.” She said with a calm voice, almost carelessly. “Oh, don’t look so surprised, it’s obvious they both love you. However you can’t love them both, right? One’s always better than the other.” 

“I guess you’re right, Mary Beth. I just wish… It wasn’t so complicated.”

“It’s not, Y/N.” Mary Beth grinned, quenching a cigarette. “Deep inside your heart, I’m sure you know who’s the one. Meantime… Just follow it. It will guide you right where you should be.” 

“Have you read that in one of your books you spend hours reading?” 

“These are romances, Y/N, but no, not this time. This I know from my own experience.” She stood up and patted your arm. “I’m sure you will eventually realise who your heart truly desires. Just don’t let the others get to you first.” 

You smiled at her as she walked away, leaving you alone with your thoughts next to the campfire. And a big challenge for you to realize who was the one you truly needed.


	12. Chapter 12

The incident at campfire made you realise that many things changed while you were gone. Not that you expected everything would remain the same. In the end, you were the one to leave and if it wasn’t for Arthur you might have never come back. But still, you weren’t prepared for things to take this turn. After what Mary Beth told you, you didn’t know what to think and do. _There was also that unpleasant conversation with Abigail…_

So you battled with your thoughts alone, hoping you would find a way out of this mess on your own. This was way more challenging than you thought it would be, with Arthur being distant as he used to be in the camp and John, who you weren’t talking to you, you suddenly felt lost. You could only wish you stopped overthinking so many things and just let them go. But just as things started getting good or at least normal again, you got surprised with an unexpected bounty haunting.

“What the hell, Dutch?” You asked him angrily when you found out what he had planned for you, not even listening to his explanation. “Why can’t I go on that bounty haunting with Arthur, huh?”

“Since when John’s company disturbs you?” He replied, throwing away a cigarette. “Arthur has work to do in Valentine and can’t be in two places at one time. I’m sorry, darling, but that’s how it works.”

“Does he know?” You stood in his way, stopping him from walking away.

“Who knows what?”

“Arthur. Does he know about that brilliant idea of yours?”

“Careful there,” Dutch replied, smiling mischievously at you. “He does. I’m sure you would handle it on your own, but you know, two is better than one.”

“Really, Dutch?” You murmured before he eventually walked away. You looked around and saw Arthur was sitting peacefully next to the campfire, cleaning his gun. He noticed as you started walking towards him and just as you were close enough to hear him, he said:

“Before you say anything… I know about that bounty haunting.”

“Oh, do you also know Dutch made John go with me?”

“Yeah, I know, but I agree with him when it comes to your safety and… I just know John won’t let anyone hurt you,” Arthur replied calmly as you joined him on the log. He looked at you and grinned, seeing a concern on your face. _Has he forgotten that few months he was ready to kill John for just talking to you?_ “That’s enough for me.”

“Okay…” This sudden change in his behaviour was suspicious for you, but you didn’t want to point that out. “Oh, Dutch mentioned you will be in Valentine… Did something happen or…”

“It’s nothing.” He interrupted you in the middle of the sentence. “Just have to deal with some things there. Nothing for you to worry about.”

“So you say, mister Morgan.” You shrugged, letting all your objections go away. There were enough problems for you to care about, you didn’t need another one, but then you noticed Karen coming in your direction.

“Arthur, are you ready to go to Valentine with me?” She asked almost completely ignoring your presence next to him.

You glared at her, then at Arthur but before you could say anything, you heard John’s voice behind your back.

“Hey, Y/N, ready for a ride? Or you guys need a minute?”

“It’s fine,” Arthur replied, but before you managed to stand up, trying to escape this awkward situation with Karen, he leaned down to kiss you, right in front of them. It lasted longer than usual, _of course_ , he was trying to piss John off.

“I’ll see you in two days.” You said as he pulled away from the kiss. “Hopefully.”

“You’d better.” He chuckled and watched you joining John on your way to the horses. “Keep an eye on her, John.”

“Oh, I will.” He assured him as you mounted your horse. You allowed yourself to look at Arthur and Karen one more time. _Even if they were going together to Valentine, it meant nothing, right? You shouldn’t have cared about that, should you?_ “I won’t take my eyes off her.”

_Oh god._ You shook your head in disbelief as Arthur glared at John in response to his words. Their hostility towards each other remained unchanged, but at least while you were gone they might’ve learned how not to start a fight out of nothing. You could call that progress.

You started riding and let John took the lead as you had no idea where you were actually heading. You only knew it was far enough to take you almost a day to get there. It was bold of Dutch to assume you would be back in two days. It would be possible if things would go right… but what if they wouldn’t?

“Where are we exactly heading?” You asked, but you wish you didn’t as you really enjoyed your quiet ride through the woods. There was no need to start an argument, but you felt it coming as soon as he turned his head in your direction.

“Rhodes.” He replied. “I’m surprised you spoke to me. It’s been a while, huh?”

“Please, don’t start…”

“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks… What did I do this time? Looked at you and Arthur went mad?” He was pissed but you couldn’t really blame him. You were the one to start avoiding him some time ago, hoping it would somehow make things easier for you both. “You’re incredible, Y/N. I can’t understand you and your messed up actions.”

“I don’t know what I can tell you, John…” You started to look for an explanation to justify your actions, but before you could find one he continued talking.

“Just please don’t tell me it’s complicated. If you think it is, it’s just because you make it so.”

He turned his head to focus on the road ahead. You didn’t answer, realising he was right and whatever you would’ve said… It would be pointless and surely wouldn’t justify your behaviour. The road was long and silence between you made it even longer. Eventually, you arrived at Rhodes when the sun was almost gone and the moon was started to taking its place.

John set up a small camp nearby the town as you both decided you were too tired to search for that guy who had a price on his head. There were two of you and he was just one, a few hours of rest wouldn’t make a difference. _After all, you were professionalists._

“You seriously brought just one tent, John?” As it soon turned out, you might’ve been professionalist in bounty hunting, but _surely_ not camping.

“For god sake, I thought would bring one for yourself, you don’t have beat me up for this.” He fired back angrily. “I can sleep outside, doesn’t make a big difference for me.”

“Why are you suddenly mad?”

“How can you even ask me that?” He asked and he sat down next to the fireplace. “Just.. forget it. Get some rest.”

_What did happen to him?_ You asked yourself and you didn’t have to look long for an answer: you did. Again. It was obvious he had every right to be mad at you, but still, you didn’t like the way he talked to you.

You were too tired to argue so you laid down in the tent and waited for the sleep to come. As usual, it didn’t just when you needed it the most. Time would fly quicker if you just sleep it off. You were lying with your eyes closed, surrounded by deadly silence interrupted by cracks of burning wood. The air was humid, so it was hard to breathe, even harder to sleep inside the tent. After almost an hour you knew it was pointless to try to fall asleep. Not only temperature was bothering you, but also thoughts that wouldn’t leave your mind. _Why would Arthur go with Karen to Valentine? Why on Earth she couldn’t have gone there with anyone else but Arthur?_

“Is everything alright?” John asked as you got out of a tent, still sitting in the same position you left him, staring blankly at the fire.

“Yes… and no.” You replied, stretching your back before you joined him. At first, you were afraid to get close to him, but as soon as you realised he didn’t mind you sitting beside him, you leaned your head on his shoulder. He sighed but didn’t brush you off it.

“So… what is it?”

“I don’t like that Dutch made us go here together either, but…”

“Who said I don’t like that?” He questioned, looking down at you.

“Oh. Okay.” Suddenly you felt embarrassed and your cheeks became uncomfortably warm in a second. “I know we haven’t talked in a while…”

“Care to tell me why?”

“I… thought it would be better if we didn’t talk for a while.” You confessed to him, but when you said it out loud you realised how ridiculous it sounded. “Because when we talk… we spend time together then…”

“Others start to talk? I’ve heard about your argument with Micah, but you shouldn’t have cared. He’s a douchebag and we all know that. Charles told me when he found out we were going together on bounty hunting.” John huffed. “He thought it would be better if I knew about it.”

“It’s not the only reason… I… care too much about you, John and it was Abigail who made me realise that. I thought… Maybe if I stop talking to you… I would stop caring. But apparently, I didn’t.”

John chuckled and you pulled away, leaning on your hand. He moved his hand closer to yours so your fingers touched gently. He looked at your hand then back at you.

“So that’s it? That’s why you’ve been treating me like air? So you would forget or deny that deep inside you have feelings for me?” He was keeping his eyes on you, making you feel almost uncomfortable with his questions.

“John… I just can’t do it, because it’s not right.”

“Really?” He was getting closer to you and you didn’t even move a muscle. _A part of you wanted him to be this close_. “Who told you so?”

“John…”

“You know I would be yours if you just let me…”

You pulled away suddenly, feeling something was wrong. You covered your mouth and stood up then managed to run away a few meters, before you started to puke. When you finished, you leaned against the nearest tree, trying to figure out the reason for your malaise. _I must’ve eaten something bad_ , you thought, but then you realised you haven’t eaten anything unusual recently. _It couldn’t be any sickness as you didn’t feel bad before, it couldn’t…_ You started counting days since your last period. _No, it couldn’t be true._ You counted them again, realising you couldn’t be wrong with your calculations… _You were almost two weeks late._

“Are you alright?” John asked you unexpectedly, carefully approaching you from behind. “You don’t look like…”

“I… I don’t know. I must’ve eaten something bad…” You replied then coughed. “I will be okay, don’t worry. I need to get some rest.”

You smiled comfortingly at him as you passed him on your way back to the tent. The whole moment or whatever you had was ruined so you decided you would cut it short before it got even more awkward. Besides, you were fighting with your thoughts and despite your efforts, one of them wouldn’t want to leave your head. The thought of being pregnant was frightening and exciting at the same time. You’ve always wanted to be a mother, but… You weren’t sure if that would be a good thing for you then. _Maybe if the timing was better…_ Maybe if your relationship with the father of the baby was more solid, you wouldn’t have had second thoughts. _However, if this was true… If that wasn’t just a food poisoning, but a real pregnancy.._. Oh god, your potential baby might’ve already saved you from making another mistake, which would be kissing John… again. You couldn’t allow yourself for doing the same mistake twice, remembering how it ended the last time you let your weaknesses take control over your actions.

You looked up, seeing John finishing his cigarette then he threw it into the fire. He caught you staring at him and smirked, but didn’t say a word. He must’ve been pretty disappointed you got interrupted right before his lips touched yours again. But it was for the better. At least you decided to keep telling yourself that at least till you would be sure whether your fears were justified.

~~~

The night has passed calmly and when you woke up in the morning John was already finishing up his cup of coffee. It was already hot outside, even though it must’ve been early morning. You had left your tent, stretching up your stiff muscles before you joined your partner next to the fire. 

“Good morning.” You said sleepily as he gave you your own cup of coffee. As soon as the smell reached your nose you grimaced, pulling the cup away. 

John noticed your disgust and looked at you closely. “You’re sure that you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just… not in the mood for coffee I guess.” You replied, trying to act normal, but you’ve never refused your coffee before. Even for you, it was suspicious. 

“Huh, funny thing… I remember the day Abigail refused to drink coffee…” A small laugh escaped his mouth. _Was it possible that he…_ “A few days later she told me she was pregnant. She has always started her day with a coffee… Just like you.”

“I think we should focus on the bounty…” You tried to change the topic, but he shook his head in response.

“There’s no bounty, Y/N. I went to the sheriff’s office and some other bounty hunters already took care of this. We might’ve come all the way here for nothing.” 

“Oh…” You managed to say, not really knowing what more you could add. “Then we should head back to the camp.” 

“Mhm…” He hummed, without taking his eyes off you. Eventually, he found his courage to ask you the question that you could see has been bothering him for a while. “So… Are you pregnant?”

“I don’t know… Maybe… I’m not sure.” 

“Alright… We should get back then.” You couldn’t say he was angry or sad, his face was blank as if he didn’t acknowledge what you just told him. _Or maybe deep inside he was trying to deny it._

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” You asked him nervously as lack of reaction was even worse than anger. “John!”

“To be honest… I don’t even know what I could say.” He stood up and started to pack your things. “So please, don’t expect me to say anything right now.”


	13. Chapter 13

“You’ve been pretty quiet lately… Is everything okay?” Arthur asked as you were sitting on his knee, one of your hands caressing the back of his neck while the other laid peacefully on his shoulder. 

You smiled gently in response and without stopping what you were doing, you replied. “Everything’s okay.” 

But it was far from the truth. _How could it be okay if since you and John got back to camp you weren’t almost talking to each other? How could it be okay if you still haven’t told Arthur about your pregnancy?_ Something was holding you back, making you feel speechless whenever you tried to confess it to him. _But what were you so afraid of? Rejection?_ It could be a surprise for him, but he would never abandon his woman… with his child. At least that was what you really believed in. _So what was the thing that’s been holding you back for all these days?_

“You almost convinced me, Y/N.” He said and fixated his eyes for a moment on something behind you then got back to looking at you. “I still haven’t got a proper kiss from you since you got back…”

“Oh, let me fix that…” You leaned down and let your lips meet his in a gentle kiss, which slowly turned into a more intense one. His hand grabbed your chin, making it unable for you to pull away from him. You couldn’t remind yourself the last time he kissed you like that, so passionately, almost possessively. 

“You both should get a room.” You heard this voice and you immediately knew why Arthur wanted this kiss. “It’s not pleasant for the others to watch…”

“Speak for yourself, John…” Javier spoke from the other side of the fireplace. “I don’t mind it at all.”

John glared at him, shaking his head slowly. Then he looked at Arthur, who shrugged as he didn’t care about John’s insult. “You know, I just can’t stop myself when my beautiful girl sits on my lap. You should know best how it feels like… Or do I have to remind you times when Abigail used to sit on your lap and we all had to watch?”

“Watch your mouth, Arthur!”

“Or what? What are you gonna do?” He had smiled mischievously at John, letting you get off his lap before he stood up and approached him slowly, folding his arms and stopping right in front of his face. “Remember… She’s watching us.”

 _It was obvious he was talking about you_. John clenched his fists as the muscles on his face twitched from anger and powerlessness. He didn’t want you to watch them fighting, again. He wanted to prove he was better than that and Arthur knew it, using it to his advantage. It was starting to get really unpleasant when Mrs Grimshaw appeared out of nowhere and stood between them, separating them from each other’s throats.

“Any of you are gonna punch an old lady? Hm?” She glimpsed at Arthur then at John and eventually at you. “Haven’t you learned anything, boys? I thought you both were better than this, but you keep acting like children! Get out of my sight, both of you, now!”

They both backed off, each of them went in the opposite direction without hesitation. _Funny, how powerful was Susan Grimshaw._ So powerful no one would even dare to oppose her. Javier laughed in the back but got serious immediately as Susan looked at him questioningly.

“What’s so funny, mister Escuella?” She asked him reproachfully. 

“Nothin’.” He replied and in the second he was gone as he really didn’t want to mess with her. 

“I can’t believe they actually listen to you…” You dared to say when you left just in two. “They’re adults but mentally…”

“They’re men, Y/N. They never really grow up.” She shook her head. “Come on.” 

You followed her lead without asking any questions and got inside her tent where Mary Beth was already waiting for you both. You looked at her confused and she smiled shyly, almost apologetically while Susan had made sure no one was nearby before she said: “Mary Beth and I… We might’ve noticed something lately.”

“It’s nothing bad, Y/N, we’re just concerned… You’ve been acting a little bit weird lately as if something happened… You spend so much time with Arthur, he almost doesn’t step away from you.” Mary Beth continued, replacing Mrs Grimshaw. “And we can’t help but ask you… Did he… propose to you?”

“What?” You laughed, but you stopped as soon as you realised they weren’t joking. “What? No, no… He didn’t. Nothing like that happened. I don’t even know if Arthur cares about things like this…”

“Told you, Mary Beth,” Susan said and looked at you closely almost as if she was examining every inch of your body. “Hmmm…”

“What _hmmm_?” You asked, feeling awkward as they were both looking at you like you were a miracle.

“You’re pregnant,” Susan stated, not bothering to ask you first. “I knew it!”

“Really?” Mary Beth covered her mouth with her hands, preventing herself from squeaking. “Oh, it’s wonderful news!”

“Could you please keep your voices down?” You hissed, looking around then stepped forward so they could hear you whisper. “I haven’t told Arthur yet…”

“What? How could you… Wait, aren’t you sure he’s the father of the baby?” Mary Beth asked and her eyes widened in disbelief. 

“Of course I’m sure he’s the father!” You fired back, feeling almost offended by her question. Yet you weren’t surprised, your close relationship with John might’ve looked as if you two were… Doing something more than just walking around together. “I just… I’m scared of how he will react… I need a good moment, that’s it. I will tell him soon.” 

“You’d better!” Susan said, threatening you with her index finger. “Before he notices or someone else tells him… Pregnancy is not invisible. Soon anyone will be able to see what we already do.”

“I will tell him tonight.” You sighed, feeling the pressure coming from these two. “Are you happy?” 

“Only if you do tell him tonight.” She smiled, still scanning every inch of your body with her eyes. “How long have you known?”

“Three weeks? Since we got back with John from that bounty hunting…” You swallowed loudly. “John knows… Figured it out on his own.”

“Then you need to tell Arthur as soon as possible. Did you even think of how could he feel if he somehow finds out that anyone knew about it sooner than him?” Mary Beth asked, approaching you and placing her hands on your shoulders. “Listen, I can imagine you’re scared, but… He deserves to know, right? More, he has to know.”

“Can we just talk about something else for a moment?” You asked desperately, feeling sick of them lecturing you. “Please?”

They had glanced at each other knowingly and you knew they wouldn’t let you go this easily. After a moment of silence, Susan asked.

“A boy or a girl?”

_Oh, shit. Here they go again._

~~~

Despite your fears, you all spent a rather pleasant afternoon. You had no idea you might’ve needed their company so much. Suddenly, they made you feel better or at least, the thought of being pregnant stopped being so _goddamn_ frightening. Even more, this thought started to be exciting. It was your baby, boy or a girl, it was a blessing. The biggest one you and Arthur could possibly ever get.

You were happy. Funny how fast your mood could change, all you needed was some comfort from your friends. They also made you sure, whatever would happen, you were not alone. You always had someone to count on. 

You left the tent when it was already dark outside. The other gang members were already gathered by the campfire or sleeping in their tents after a long day of work. You noticed Arthur sitting at his favourite place, his back leaned against the log next to the fireplace. _Now or never._

“Oh, you’re smiling. What a nice change.” He pointed while you sat next to him, placing your head on his shoulder. His lips brushed your forehead, leaving a small kiss on it.

“I am.” You responded, trying to keep your cool. _Do it. Do it, it will be hard to get a better moment than this_. “Arthur, I have to tell you something…”

“You two are… are… unbelievable.” _Not now John._ “I’m so sick of this.” _  
_

_Oh heck, he was drunk._ You wanted to get up and get him out of Arthur’s sight before it would get unpleasant again, but Arthur held you down with his hand, preventing you from moving. He huffed and got himself up first, facing John. 

“What’s your problem?”

“Could you get more obscene than this?” John asked, all the boundaries he had were gone. “You… fucked Karen behind Y/N’s back and now you have the courage to kiss her. Bold of you.”

 _Remember when Arthur brought Mary to the camp?_ You thought your world collapsed that day and nothing was more painful than this, but you were wrong. It was nothing comparing to what you felt when you heard the bitter truth coming out from John’s mouth. 

You looked at Arthur, hoping he would turn around and deny it. _Tell you it wasn’t true._ But he didn’t. You could see his body shaking from anger, he was glaring at John as he was gonna kill him in a blink of an eye. 

“Arthur…” You said, but he didn’t listen. He had attacked John and punched him hard right in the nose, before Javier and Charles got to them, splitting them up using a force. 

The blood began to run from John’s nostrils and he washed it away using his hand then looked at the palm of it, covered in red liquid. “She hasn’t told you, has she?” 

_What? He wouldn’t… He wouldn’t do that. No, no, no…_ You were on your feet in a second and already started to walk towards John, but it was too late. 

“Told me what?” Arthur hissed, struggling in Charles firm grip. 

“Congratulations, you’re gonna be a father.”

It looked like the whole camp got silent just to hear this one sentence. You could feel tears falling on your cheeks as Arthur looked at you, not really knowing what to do or say. You glared at John through your watering eyes and suddenly you were the one who wanted to kill this guy.

“How could you?!” You called out, feeling both anger and betrayal. “You…”

For a moment you wanted to tell him how much you hated him. But it was pointless. Also, it wasn’t true. You had looked apologetically at Arthur and then you walked past John, pushing him away as he tried to stop you. You wanted to be alone, to get out of the camp, to disappear. You could’ve told Arthur sooner. It was all your fault or at least, you blamed yourself the most.

Without asking for permission you mounted Arthur’s horse and rode off, galloping ahead. You were sure they would follow you, no one would let you go and ride alone at night, especially when everyone knew… There was more than one person to care about. But you weren’t thinking clearly, you were so angry and disappointed, nothing else mattered at that moment.

You stopped after a mile to gather your thoughts, to figure out the plan. If there was a thing you were good at it was running. But it required thinking, being reckless was the worst you could do.

“Y/N…” John showed up behind you on his Old Boy’s back and blocked your passage, stopping exactly in front of you. “I’m sorry, I… I didn’t know what I was thinking.”

“I don’t want to look at you, John. Because it hurts me when I do and remember what you just did.” You replied, trying to get past him unsuccessfully. “Let me go.”

“You know I can’t do that…”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

The sound of shots has reached your ears.

 _Once, twice, thrice_. 

Out of nowhere, someone fired three shots.

Time has really slowed down as you saw a growing red stain on John’s shirt then felt enormous pain yourself, right under your right collarbone. John fell from his horse limply, his body hitting the cold ground. Your horse got scared a second later and threw you off its back so you joined John on the ground. The world started to spin around for you, your head hurt from the fall. You started crawling to him, but it was too painful to move so you gave up before you reached him. The vision was becoming darker with every passing second until you lost your consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely appreciate your comments/opinions/constructive criticisms a lot - so if you'd like to leave one of these for me - don't hesitate, they make me even more motivated to write. Thank you so much for reading :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a need to add a few words here. You might be confused by italic font so just to be clear - these are flashbacks/retrospections - as I also felt a need to get back in time. Of course as always - let me know what you think. Oh, and sorry it took me this long to post it.

A few shots in the dark and you found yourself lying on the ground. You couldn’t quite remember how this exactly happened. You heard someone scream, but you weren’t sure who was that. You tried to move, to reach John somehow, but the pain was too big for you to handle. You moaned painfully and eventually stopped trying, your body tired from fighting the pain.

Suddenly, you realised that John crawled to you instead, his bloody hand brushed your burned forehead. “You’re gonna be fine… Just hold on a little longer.”

“My baby… John…”

“Shh…” He shushed you, his thumb brushed away the tears from your cheek. “It’s gonna be okay…”

You nodded, but the pain from the down of your stomach got you even more scared. You were terrified. You have thought you can handle it, but you were wrong. You had looked at John one more time before the world turned black as you were slowly losing your consciousness.

~~~

_Sun was shining as you and John went outside the camp together, walking through the woods. It was a day when you had no chores to do in the camp and you could do whatever you wanted. You’ve been with a gang for a while and started getting used to this new situation. They were your new family. They saved you. They gave you a chance to start a new life, far away from your abusive father._

_You could feel his eyes on you as you kept walking, the camp was already far behind you. You blushed but hoped he hadn’t noticed that. It felt weird to finally have people who looked after you. To whom you were important. You mattered._

_“So… how do you like this new camp?” John asked, breaking the silence.  
_

_“It’s great. It really is. Starts to feel like home.” You replied, looking at him stealthily. “Thanks for saving me the other day… If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. Who knows if I wouldn’t be dead by now.”  
_

_“Any man would help you in a need. Trust me, it was nothing.” He smiled comfortingly. “I’m sorry it happened to you.”  
_

_“As they say, shit happens, right?” You both chuckled. “John, may I ask you something?”  
_

_“Sure.”  
_

_“From what I saw, you and Arthur are friends… And I’m sorry, I can’t help but ask… Do you know if he’s seeing someone?” It felt awkward when these words escaped your mouth. “Oh, sorry, I shouldn’t have asked…”  
_

_“No, it’s fine… Just…” John swallowed loudly, rubbing the back of his neck. You baffled him with this question _as he didn’t really know what to say_. “I think he’s not seeing anyone or at least I don’t know anything about it.”  
_

_“Okay…” You smiled uncontrollably as you hoped to hear that from him. “Thanks, John.”  
_

_“Why him?”  
_

_“What? Uh… I don’t know. He’s… Oh, it’s silly, but I can’t explain that. It just feels right.” You bit your bottom lip, your cheeks became even redder. “But it doesn’t matter, he clearly isn’t interested in me.”  
_

_“He doesn’t know what he’s missing…” John blurted but soon realised what he just said. “Uh, I mean… This couldn’t get any more awkward, could it?”  
_

_You giggled and nudged him with your elbow. “It flatters me, but do I need to remind you that you’re married, John?”  
_

_“Not officially… Anyway, it makes no difference, Y/N. Sorry about that.” You could see him blushing, the tension between you two started growing. “Wait up. Have you heard that?”  
_

_A sound of cracking wood reached your ears and before you could react yourself, John already pulled you with him and pushed your back against the tree. His hands on both sides of your head and his body so close to yours made you feel trapped. But in a way you liked that, it was exciting, but you knew it shouldn’t make you feel this way._

_“What was that?” You whispered to his ear.  
_

_“Some hunters just passed by… But it would be better if they hadn’t seen us.” He replied._

_“Why?”  
_

_“Never know if they’re real hunters. We don’t want them to follow us back to the camp, do we?” His eyes focused on you, waiting for your response._

_“We don’t.”_

_~~~  
_

You took a sharp breath as you opened your eyes. It was dark around you, a single candle illuminating the tent you were lying in. You looked at your bandaged arm and sighed heavily. _You were alive_. You moaned loudly as you turned to the side and noticed Arthur sleeping on the ground next to your bed, his back leaned against the edge. He slowly opened his eyes, quickly realising you were awakened.

“Y/N…” He whispered, lifting himself up and crouching closer to you. “God… never do that to me again.”

“Arthur… What happened?” You asked as you leant on your elbows, hissing from pain.

“Don’t move… try not to move too much, the baby…”

Automatically, your hand wandered to your belly. “What about the baby?”

“The baby is fine. At least Susan told me that earlier… There was no sign of it getting hurt while you fell off the horse. But we don’t know for sure…” He took your left hand into his hands and kissed it gently. “I’m sorry, Y/N, I’m so fucking sorry…”

“It was an accident… could’ve happened to anyone.”

“I meant what John had said earlier…”

“So that was true?” _Oh right, you nearly forgot about that but then you could feel a sting in your heart._ Your eyes watered and you shut them again, letting tears stream down your cheeks.

“We weren’t together then… I don’t even know if something actually happened… I was so mad…” He began explaining himself. “You left the camp… I wanted to forget about you. Numb the pain somehow…”

“And you thought sleeping with Karen would be a good idea?”

“I don’t know what I thought…”

“We’ve been through a lot together… but I’ve never slept with anyone else to numb my pain or forget about you.” You said, your voice filled with regret. “But maybe I should’ve. Maybe I was such a fool, even though John has always wanted me. But you know that well, Arthur.”

He pulled away, clenching his fists. You might’ve just hit the most sensitive spot he had - John, who has always had feelings for you. He knew that and maybe that was the reason why it hurt him so much. It was selfish of you, but at that moment you wanted him to feel as you did. _Hurt_.

“I’m sorry, Y/N…” Arthur looked down and shook his head. “I know it’s not an excuse…”

“Yeah, it’s not. Were you even gonna tell me about it? Or would you keep your dirty little secret to yourself?” The grief you felt quickly turned into rage. “Last time when I told you about that goddamn kiss I had with John, you acted like I stabbed you in the back. How do you want me to react to that? Oh, it’s okay, you fucked another girl and it doesn’t matter? It does Arthur! Especially now when I’m fucking pregnant with your baby!”

He didn’t say a word, his fists remained clenched. There was nothing he could say right then to make you feel better. You needed some time to figure things out… To deal with your emotions, because the last twenty-four hours have been like a wild ride for you.

“The only thing I’m sorry about is that you learned about my pregnancy this way… From John, not from me… Wait… John… How is he?”

“Alive. The bullet went through him and ended up inside your arm. Charles pulled it out though, you have nothing to worry about.” Arthur said harshly. “He is probably out there smokin’ or something. It’s not the first time he got shot.”

Just as you heard he was alive you felt a relief; in a way, you blamed yourself for what happened. Maybe if you hadn’t run away you two wouldn’t get shot.

“Okay… Do you know who did that?” You asked, trying to get up from the bed, but as soon as you sat at the edge, you started feeling dizzy. “Fuck…”

“Woah, easy there…” Arthur was immediately by your side, holding you as you rested your head on his shoulder. You felt weak, your body clearly needed more than a few hours to recover. “We don’t… We suspect they were just robbers or maybe Pinkertons, it’s hard to say.”

“Didn’t you catch them?”

“Whoever did that was already gone when we reached you.”

~~~

_Previous winter was colder than any of you expected and you were all out there, on the run again. You were hiding in the woods, wondering if it was a good idea to go further North. Actually, Dutch was wondering. You were just trying not to freeze to death as weather conditions were severe.  
_

_“Want a cigarette?” Arthur grunted, approaching you from behind as you were sitting on the edge of the bed. He exhaled the smoke then took another drag._

_“Would it make me feel warmer?” You asked, turning your head to him.  
_

_“I wouldn’t count on that.” He replied, smirking under his breath. It was dark outside, you couldn’t see a thing through the window next to you. “Whiskey would, but we don’t have any.”  
_

_“Anyway, thanks for the offer.” You said and thought he would leave, but instead, he sat next to you, throwing away the cigarette. “I thought you were in the other cabin with the boys…”  
_

_“I wanted to check on you. Hey…” You trembled uncontrollably as your coat was way too thin for this cold weather. Arthur took off his jacket and put it on your arms. “Better?”  
_

_“Arthur, put it back on, you’re going to be sick.”  
_

_“Maybe, but now you’re the one shaking like a leaf.” He smiled and didn’t let you give it back to him. “At least that’s how I can repay you for stitching me up for so many times…”  
_

_His coat was warm and soaked with his smell, smoke, whiskey and… a horse? You loved it though as soon as you felt a warmth, so soothing and calming for you. “Yeah, you have a tendency to get hurt in fights…But that’s my job to patch you up.”  
_

_Arthur chuckled, somehow getting closer to you. He smiled at you brightly, his cheeks flushed from cold. His hand wandered to your face and moved a strand of your hair out of it. “My rescuer.”_

_You were both uncontrollably getting closer to each other till you stopped as your foreheads touched. Your lips were millimetres away, it was meant to end in a kiss but suddenly someone opened the door rapidly, making you move away instantly.  
_

_“Are you coming, Arthur?” Dutch asked, but soon realised he had interrupted you in a middle of something important so he backed off. “Just come to see me when you’re finished…”  
_

_“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Arthur rolled his eyes back, smiling awkwardly at you. “I will be right behind ya, Dutch!”  
_

_“Hey, your jacket…” You reminded him when he stood up and wanted to leave the cabin. “I’m not joking, you’re going to regret not wearing it…”  
_

_“Maybe. But maybe you’re gonna look after me when I’m sick so it’s a win-win situation.” He had said and winked at you before he left._

_~~~  
_

It’s been a week. A week since the shooting and nothing was getting easier for you. The thought of Arthur and Karen being together when you were away didn’t want to leave your head. Susan told you not to worry and to take your time, but it was pointless. You couldn’t even make yourself look at Karen, but she clearly didn’t care about you and whenever she could she tried to appear next to Arthur. 

“How are you doing?“ John asked you, dragging you out of your thoughts. You got up from the bed, surprised to see him.

“John.” You haven’t spoken to him since the shooting. You wanted to be mad at him, but after hours of thinking, you realised that in a way you were grateful he told you the truth. Maybe not in the best possible way, but the truth is not always a beautiful thing. “To be honest, could be better.”

“I heard you and Arthur had a little quarrel…” 

“Yeah, but let’s not talk about it.”

“Alright.” John laughed, but after a moment he got serious again. “So how is the baby?”

“I don’t know. Good, I hope.” Whenever someone asked you about that, you always looked down at your belly. “I can’t wait for it to get bigger. Wait, wh-what are you doing?” 

“It’s already showing…” John pointed, lowering himself to the height of your belly. His hands wandered on it, rubbing it gently. “Hi little one, it’s uncle John…” 

You chuckled as you found it sweet that he wanted to cheer you up and started talking to your belly, even though it wasn’t visible and you both knew it well. Yet it was nice to feel normal for a moment, so you let him pretend it was there.

“I’m sorry for… for what happened. I shouldn’t have said it, I had no right to…”

“You did the right thing, I guess. I deserve to know the truth even if it kills me right now.” You sighed. “I want my baby to have a father, a real one. One I never had. I just… didn’t expect it to be this hard.”

“Yeah… You deserve to know.” He nodded, still rubbing your belly. He looked up at you and smiled shyly. “Anyway, I’m sorry. But just so you know, you’re also doing the right thing.”

“Thanks…” 

“What the hell, John?!” Out of nowhere, Abigail appeared in the entrance, shocked to see you two together. She reached you in a second then pushed you away from John. “Don’t you dare to touch her!”

“Abigail, what’s your problem?” He fired back angrily. “We aren’t doing anything…”

“Yes? I’m so sick of watching you with her, always by her side even though she claims to be pregnant with another guy!” She blurted, looking like she lost her control. “Or maybe she’s pregnant with you, that’s why you can’t just let her go?”

“What are you talking about? You’re a crazy woman…” John shook his head. “Enough…”

“Enough? I’m your goddamn wife and I have to look at you spending time with a whore!”

“Excuse me?” You didn’t want to interrupt them but suddenly you felt deeply offended. “Abigail, I know you’re angry, but it doesn’t mean you can say things like that… Just… Calm down, alright?”

“You tell me to calm down?!” She shouted. “You? You know what? I’m glad Karen slept with Arthur! At least you know how it feels to be hurt!”

“You’re crossing a thin line, Abigail…” You clenched your lips so you wouldn’t say something you could regret later. 

“You never deserved Arthur nor John.” However, she kept talking.

“Alright, so if we’re honest with each other…” You glared at her. “You never really deserved John too!”

Your words have infuriated her completely. Suddenly she felt powerless, so she resorted to the simplest solution - violence. Before you could predict her next move, she pushed you harder than she probably intended so you fell, hitting the edge of the bed behind you.

“Abigail!” John shouted, but it didn’t matter. You were already on the ground, curled up in pain. You whined, your hands embraced your belly. Then you looked up at them both, tears flowing down your face and a red stain appeared on both of your thighs. 

“I-I’m… I didn’t…” She stammered, trying to apologize, but it was too late. Even the most sincere apologies wouldn’t turn back time. 

“Arthur!” You cried out in despair, hoping he was somewhere near and would hear you. 

John pushed Abigail away on his way to you and helped you stand up, the blood streaming slowly down your legs, leaving more stains on your trousers. You thought it was a bad dream, but as soon as you saw Arthur and his scared face you knew it was real. 

“What happened?!” He asked as he approached and lifted you up. “Shh… It’s gonna be okay, beautiful.”

“O-our baby…” You sobbed and let him carry you out of a tent.

“It’s gonna be okay…” He kept repeating. 

But you both knew it wouldn’t.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is made for Arthur and Reader only... They deserve some happiness, don't they?

Arthur has never been the one who showed his emotions. However, that night he cried. A lot. Kneeling down right next to your bed, he let the tears fall, making his cheeks and stubble wet. You were sitting on the bed and caressed the back of his neck, your eyes full of tears too; there was nothing you both could do - you were powerless and had to face the fact that your baby was gone. 

You’ve just managed to accept that you were gonna be a mother and suddenly, it was all gone. A dream of a good life for your baby, for you and Arthur - it was falling apart and eventually, there was nothing but a big hole in your heart. You weren’t sure if that was just because of the baby - a piece of your heart was also ripped out by Arthur and his dirty secret he desperately wanted to hide. All of this hurt like hell. You couldn’t find an explanation for all these bad things - you wanted to somehow move on, but you couldn’t. You had to face your emotions, no matter how hard they were.

Comforting thing was that you were in this together - Arthur and you - it started with you and in the end, it had to end with you both, sitting broken in your tent in the most awkward silence you’ve ever experienced. 

“The doctor said the b-baby might’ve gotten hurt already when I-I got shot…” You stammered, brushing away the tears from your cheeks. “The chances it was Abigail’s fault are low… I want to believe she didn’t do it on purpose anyway… But… W-what I want to say is… The one thing I’m sure of is that it wasn’t your fault, Arthur…”

Arthur didn’t respond just kept staring ahead blankly, apparently too angry to say anything. Suddenly, he sighed, searching for the right words. “Don’t try to defend me, Y/N! I fucked this up, I should’ve… I should’ve never let you go alone that night.”

“It was an accident… A goddamn accident…” You said, swallowing loudly. “You couldn’t know…”

He huffed, shaking his head. “I could. What’s more is that I didn’t go after you, not fast enough to save you. Maybe if I did I could even prevent it from happening. What kind of a man does it make me? What was I thinking?”

“You didn’t… We all sometimes… Forget to think straight when we find out something so shocking… It almost kills us.” He looked up at you and your eyes met. Yet, you couldn’t see them precisely, it was dark around you, a candle slowly burning out on the table. “I didn’t think too… I was so devastated… So embarrassed, all I could think of was that I need to get out of camp fast…”

“But we should stop looking for the guilty one, Arthur.” You unexpectedly changed the subject. “It won’t change anything… Or can you turn back time? Take me back to the morning before you left me for Mary… I wouldn’t have kissed John then…”

“And I would’ve never left you for anyone else.” His hands searched for yours in the dark and when they eventually did, he squeezed them gently. “If that means anything, I’m sorry. But I can’t turn back time…”

“I’m sorry I made you go through all these things… Because of me.” He added after a moment when you didn’t respond. You could hear he felt guilty, the tone of his voice revealed it. You moved from the edge of the bed and ended up on the ground, your arms around him as you hugged him tightly. “Y/N…”

“It’s always been you, Arthur… I want to forgive you, but… I’m not sure if I can. I need more time, but now… I just don’t want to be alone.” You buried your face against his shoulder. “We both deserved better than this.”

“Like hell, we did,” Arthur said, putting his hands on your back. “You would make a wonderful mother…”

“And you would make an amazing father.” You could feel a blush appear on your cheeks and even though you couldn’t see that, you imagined Arthur blushing too. Having him right next to you turned out to be more comforting than you expected it to be. Whether you wanted it or not, you were in this together - you’ve always been in this together and right then his presence was exactly what you needed. You placed your head on his chest, sighing heavily. “What… What will we tell others?”

“We will think about it later, now try to get some rest.” 

“Will you stay with me?” 

“I will.” He replied and caressed gently the back of your head. “I will…”

~~~

_You were in the dark when the sound of a crying baby reached your ears. You followed it, not knowing where it was going to lead you. You were alone, not a single soul was in your sight. You kept walking in the darkness, till…  
_

_A light blinded you and it took a moment for your eyes to adjust to the new scenery. You were in the camp, an old camp you used to have in the past. You recognized it immediately and started to search for the source of the noise. Eventually, you found it in Arthur’s tent. What you saw made you freeze at first. A small newborn baby stopped crying when you approached it carefully, looking at it in awe. You took the baby in your arms, hugging it tightly and swaying it gently.  
_

_“Hey, little one…” You whispered, caressing the soft hair on the baby’s head. “Shhh…”  
_

_“Oh, Y/N…” You heard a similar voice. Arthur. “I told you to rest, I can take care of her…”_

_“Arthur… how…” You were confused. It all seemed to be so real. “What?”_

_“Come to daddy, Sophie…” He approached you and you instinctively handed her to him. “You barely slept for the last week… She’s little but sometimes she gives us a hard time, doesn’t she?”_

_You smiled gently, seeing him so happy while he was holding his daughter. A big, rough outlaw with all his world in his arms looked so… unreal. He laughed when she placed her little hands on his face and tried to squeeze them gently. “You like to mess up with me, don’t you, princess?”_

_“Arthur… Is this real?” You asked, your voice shaking as you spoke.  
_

_“It can be… If you want it to be.” He smirked then handed Sophie back to you. “Our beautiful girl.”_

_You looked at her. She was so similar to Arthur, same hair colour, the shape of the nose and eyes… The tears of joy fell on your cheeks. It was unbelievable. It was something you’ve always wanted. A family of your own. A child of yours. The happiness fulfilled you, making you smile through the tears. Arthur approached you from behind, placing his hands around your waist and leaning his chin against your shoulder.  
_

_“My girls…” He whispered. “You two are my life now… I love you so much.”_

_“And we love you too, daddy.” You said, turning your face towards him. “You can’t even imagine that.”_

_“I–” He had wanted to say something but before he could, the loud sound of firing gun interrupted him. “Y/N…”_

_You turned around rapidly just to see him falling on his knees, a growing stain of blood appeared on his white shirt. After a moment, his body collapsed inertly at your feet. You screamed and started shaking, terrified by what you just saw. There was no baby in your hands no more, the scenery changed completely and suddenly, you were outside, some trees were placed around you as you bent over to help Arthur. You raised your sight for a while and saw him.  
_

_John._

_He was standing a few meters away, a gun in his covered in blood hand. You stared at him as he let a gun out of his hand, letting it fall to the ground. He stood there like he didn’t see his friend bleeding out right in front of him. You called his name but he seemed not to hear your voice. You were angry. You were petrified till…_

~~~

You opened your eyes, awaken by your own scream. You started trembling but soon realised you were still in Arthur’s arms. He was still there, in a position you both fell asleep. 

“Hey, hey…” He said in a throaty voice. He was already awake, holding you tight as you took a few deep breaths to calm yourself down. “It was just a dream, you’re safe…”

“Arthur…” You whispered, your body still shaking. “You’re here… You’re okay…”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He asked, leaving a small kiss on your forehead. “It was just a bad dream. I’m okay.”

“Good.” You replied, your breath still shallow and uneven. 

You would probably freak out if he wasn’t there with you. It was irrational, in a way, he hurt you so much but you still had feelings for him. And these feelings didn’t seem to get any weaker than they used to be. After all, it was still Arthur. _Your Arthur._ The man you wanted to be with since the day you saw him. The father… _Right. He could’ve been the father of your child._ That dream made this thought feel so real. _Maybe the dreams were really holding your deepest desires… and fears._ The thought of losing Arthur was… unbearably painful. Something you haven’t realised all this time. He had his flaws, he caused you pain but at the end of the day, you couldn’t picture your life without him. Loving him hurt, but at the same time, it made you feel so alive.

It didn’t take you long to fall asleep again in his arms and this time, there was no more bad dreams. You let yourself rest and for a moment forgot about all the things that happened and the ones that were about to come.

The morning came fast, you felt like you didn’t sleep at all. You woke up in the bed as Arthur probably put you there when he was leaving earlier. You took your time to lay down, stretch your sore muscles and enjoy the cold air that was coming from the outside of the tent. You weren’t planning on leaving it anyway, so there was no need to rush for you.

“You’re awake.” After a while Arthur entered in, holding a cup of coffee in his hand. He placed it down next to the bed as he sat on its edge. “Thought it would be more comfortable if you slept for a while in normal conditions. Besides, it was damn cold on the ground in the morning.”

“What time is it?” You rubbed your eyes, adjusting them to the light. 

“5:30, I think.” He replied.

“Oh, I almost forgot that you’re a real early bird.”

“I couldn’t sleep. You were shaking almost the whole night. You had a night full of nightmares, didn’t you?” He said, taking a sip from his cup then putting it back to its place. “An awful night.”

“Yeah… It could’ve been better.” You agreed. “Glad it’s over. Thank you for staying with me. And for the past two days… I couldn’t have done it without you. And thanks for keeping others away… I’m not really in the mood to talk with them.”

“Even with John?” Arthur seemed slightly surprised.

“Even with him.” You confirmed, getting up and sitting right next to him. “I don’t think I’m ready to deal with anyone and anything now.”

“Sure, just… Take your time.”

“Hey, Arthur…” You noticed a concern on his face immediately. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I…” He started to look for something inside the pocket of his jeans. He pulled out a small, silver, green emerald ring. You held your breath, feeling what was coming next the moment you saw him playing with it in his fingers before he continued speaking. “I know it’s not the best moment, but I…”

“Maybe it’s bold of me…” He kept talking as he stood up then kneeled down on one of his knees in front of you. “But I realised I can’t live without you and… I don’t even want to live without you, Y/N. It would be the greatest honour if you agreed to be my wife. So, Y/N… Will you do me the honour of being my wife?”

You didn’t expect him to do that, not right then. Of course, you have always wanted to hear this question coming from him, but you imagined it differently. Yet, you were there, just you two in your tent and you knew you had to make a choice. You had to answer him. 

There was no time to think about it so you followed your heart. And hoped it would not let you down this time.

“Arthur…”

“Hm?” He hummed, but you could feel he was almost as nervous as you were. 

“Yes.” You smiled wide at him. “I will.”

Just as these words escaped your mouth, Arthur cupped your face and kissed you, surprising you with this act of love. You kissed him back, letting him know you really enjoyed that. The touch of his lips on your was something you could never get enough of. When he eventually pulled away, you gave him your left hand and let him put the ring on your finger. 

He looked at you the way he has never looked at you before. You didn’t need to hear him saying anything. His eyes told it all.

“I love you.” He said, kissing your hand gently. “We will make through it together, alright? Good and bad things, we will face them together…”

“Is that a promise, Mr Morgan?”

“Yes, Mrs Morgan. The promise I intend to keep this time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. It means a world to me! As always - let me know what you think❤️😊


	16. Chapter 16

It’s been almost three weeks after the day that changed everything for you. From the moment that broke you into pieces, it was hard to get it all back together for you. Life was treating you rough for some time, no wonder why you desperately needed a break. And eventually, you got one.

But not for long. _Yeah, you didn’t even wish for a long quiet time._

“Here’s to Arthur and Y/N...” Hosea raised his glass and looked at others who gathered around the campfire in the evening. The flame enlightened their faces and the dark around them. “Future Mrs Morgan.”

You didn’t mean to make your engagement such a deal but apparently, Arthur had other plans. As soon as you said yes, he decided to make it obvious for everyone in the camp - so each one of the gang members knew you would be his wife soon. You didn’t mind it - not at first - you were just too tired of overthinking things and decided to let them go the way they were meant to go - with the flow or something like that. You needed some peace - some time without thinking about all the things that happened during the last weeks would be a dream - but as you knew dreams weren’t real and you could only wish Arthur hadn’t told anyone about it so soon. _Or at least he wouldn’t run directly to John to announce his victory._

“Here’s to my beautiful future wife.” Arthur raised his glass too and nodded at Hosea. He took a sip from his bottle then said. “Last weeks haven’t been easy for us... Neither for Y/N or me. Actually, it’s never been easy for us. But it’s only the beginning of our journey and I’m gonna make sure that from now everything is going to be just fine.”

You smiled gently, feeling the eyes of the others focused on you. It made you feel uncomfortable, but you didn’t want to interrupt Arthur in the moment of his glory, he was surely enjoying.

“You alright?” Mary-Beth noticed your concern and sat down next to you on the log, patting your arm comfortingly. “I mean...”

“I’m okay. Relatively okay.” You told her, putting away your glass. It was full as you weren’t in the mood for drinking. Besides, Arthur was drinking for you both. “It just feels so weird, you know? In a way, I’m over the moon that Arthur proposed... But I still have this stupid feeling that I didn’t make clear it clear with John.”

“It might sound stupid but... Have you tried talking to him after... Arthur made it official?”

“Not yet. He must be pissed because... I think it would’ve been better if he found that this information from me. Now I don’t want to cause another problem. I think it’s best if I let him just go... I should’ve done that a long time ago.” You sighed and looked down. “But I know that in the end, I have to talk to him... Abigail had the courage to apologize to me. Why wouldn’t I have the same courage to talk to John?”

“Then do that. You will feel better when you finally spit it out.” She smiled at you and somehow it gave you some courage. “What could possibly happen, Y/N? Besides... You two are friends. First and above all.”

“ _Many things can happen, Mary-Beth..._ ” You thought to yourself. “You know what, I’m gonna go and find him.”

“Wait...” She grabbed your hand and made you sit again. “Did you really forgive her? I mean Abigail...”

“I did. I realised there was no reason why I shouldn’t have forgiven her. It was an accident. Besides, it wouldn’t have brought my baby back if I hadn’t done that, right?”

“You did the right thing...”

“Right or wrong... I felt it was the only thing I could do to get myself some peace. I didn’t do it for her. I did it for me.” You stated then walked away, hoping John would be nearby. Arthur was occupied by Dutch and Javier, Abigail was sleeping with Jack... It was your only chance to talk to him without pressure from the others.

As you expected, John was behind Pearson’s wagon, smoking alone as he used to when he was angry. You approached him carefully and he soon noticed your presence.

“Mrs Morgan.” He said ironically. “Do you need anything?”

“Don’t be a douche, John.” You fired back, rolling your eyes back.

“Why? Did I tell something wrong?” He asked, throwing a cigarette away. “Arthur made it very clear that you’re going to be his wife soon. Or maybe it is just his fantasy? Oh, that shiny ring on your finger tells me otherwise. He’s got a taste, doesn’t he?”

"Alright. Let me know when you grow up and then we will talk.” You turned around angrily, but then he realised he crossed the boundary.

“Y/N... Don’t go, okay? I’m... just bitter about all this.”

“I get that. I’m also bitter and disappointed things turned out this way, so please, don’t make it even harder for me...”

“I’m sorry.” John looked at you and you could feel he really meant it. “We didn’t really have time to talk about this... What Abigail did...”

“It ain’t your fault. Just so you know.” You interrupted him before he had blamed himself. “But if we’re apologising then I’m... sorry I didn’t stop Arthur from making so much noise about this engagement. I know it must be hard and... I’m really glad you don’t hate me, not yet at least.”

“Y/N... I could never hate you.” His eyes were focused on you and it felt almost overwhelming for you. He must’ve realised you were feeling uncomfortable because suddenly he turned away his sight. “But it’s hard to watch the girl I love marrying another guy. I ain’t gonna lie and tell you otherwise, beautiful.”

“John...”

“But at the same time, I’m happy for you. I love seeing you smile.” You leaned against the wagon, right next to John. “I guess that at the end of the day all I want is you to be happy. It’s all I care about.”

“Is that so?” You asked him, looking at him suspiciously.

“Honestly... No. My feelings towards you haven’t changed.” He smiled and pulled out another cigarette. “But I know when to let go. Yeah, kinda weird of me... to let you go. I’m not Arthur and I will never be him.”

He was right - he wasn’t Arthur. You never wanted him to be someone else because you had feelings for John too - it was no point in hiding that they were pretty strong. But these times were over or at least you kept telling yourself they were - and it was working. That shiny ring on your finger kept reminding you of that.

“Yeah...” You nodded but it didn’t look convincing. “How is your arm by the way?”

_Nice try, Y/N. Nice try..._

“Much better. Yours?” John knew what you were trying to do, so he didn’t push you to talk about your feelings anymore. At least for now.

“It’s okay. I think there will be a scar, but it’s not a big deal.” You instinctively touched the place you were shot. He looked at you, hoping you would keep the conversation going somehow, but you were far from it. “Anyway, I should probably get back to Mary-Beth... I kinda left her hangin’.”

John nodded approvingly, realising the situation became way too awkward. You had smiled at him one more time before you walked away, leaving him alone behind the wagon. 

You took a few deep breaths and joined the rest of the gang at the campfire again. They didn’t seem to notice your absence and one look was enough for Mary-Beth to know you did what you had to - but surely, it didn’t go as planned. However, you weren’t surprised - what did you expect? A normal conversation after everything that happened? You would’ve been foolish if you ever thought so.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice had reached your ears before you got back to your friend. _It couldn’t be..._

“Karen?” You asked surprised as you didn’t expect to talk to her ever again. Or at least for a long time. You turned around just to see her standing behind your back. “What... What do you want?”

“I need to talk to you.” She blurted, her cheeks covered in a red blush. “Please?”

“Well, that’s a shame because I feel no need to talk with you." You couldn’t even look at her for too long knowing what she’s done to you. “So please, get out of my sight.”

“Just hear me out... I want to apologize...”

“Spare it.” You cut her off, realising Arthur was coming in your direction. He approached you and put his arm around your waist. 

“Is everything alright?” He asked, pulling you closer to him.

“We just had a little chat. Nothing you should worry about.” You replied but he looked suspiciously at Karen anyway. Then he left a small kiss on your forehead and you smiled, almost forgetting she was even there.

“I... Congratulations, guys. And I’m really sorry...”

“You know what, Karen?” You said after a while. “I don’t want any more trouble. I’ve had enough of them. You want my forgiveness? Here it is, but don’t expect me to act like nothing has ever happened...”

“I don’t want your forgiveness... I mean... I don’t even know if I deserve it.” She told you and you raised your brow questioningly. “What I did to you and Arthur was... Unforgivable. Not because I slept with Arthur... Because I didn’t. He never cheated on you, Y/N. I was angry at you and I lied...”

You weren’t sure who was more shocked - you or Arthur, but to be honest, it didn’t really matter. At first, it was felt so unreal, you didn’t really believe her. However, Arthur had more questions to ask.

“But John saw us? Or did he lost his mind?”

“I kissed you, but there was nothing more. You didn’t want me. But we were both too drunk and we fell asleep together.” 

“Why did you lie then?” It didn’t really make sense to you, even though in a way, you felt relieved. 

“I was jealous... But it was stupid. I’m really sorry, Y/N.”

“Okay...” You said, feeling overwhelmed for another time this evening. “That’s a lot to process. I might need some time to think it over... Alone.” 

Karen nodded and quickly walked away as she probably thought she has said enough. Arthur looked at you to make sure you were really alright then joined Hosea by the campfire - he needed some time to think about what Karen confessed too. 

It was comforting because it meant Arthur didn’t cheat on you... Not the way you thought he did, but at the same time, he did kiss Karen. It didn’t make his guilt smaller but suddenly, you felt... Truly relieved. You laughed under your breath and started walking towards your tent when the sound of an argument caught your attention. 

“You won’t stop loving her, will you?” It was Abigail. _Wait, wasn’t she sleeping?_

“Abigail, please... Don’t start.” John growled. “We talked about it way too many times.”

“What would she have to do so you would stop running after her?” She sounded irritated. “She is marrying Arthur... That should be enough! I... want you to be a father for our son. A husband...”

“We’re not married, Abigail.” He cut her off. “We never were.”

“But we can...”

“We can’t. Not after everything you’ve done.” 

“Think about Jack, John!” She exclaimed. “Don’t be such an egoist!”

“I’m not an egoist, Abigail. You are.” You didn’t hear her answer, but a sound of her hand slapping John’s cheek. “That’s why we will never be together again.”

You hoped they hadn’t seen you as you covered behind the tree and not dared to breathe as they spoke. Your heart was pounding in your chest as Abigail ran away, crying her eyes out. For a moment you felt bad for her, but then you reminded herself of that day. The day that changed your life forever. 

But in the end, it didn’t change the fact that, at that moment, you were still feeling sorry for her.


	17. Chapter 17

People say that the time heals but they’re wrong - it only scars up your wounds. Deep down they’re still festering, making you unable to forget about the pain. The days were passing and it still was odd with you and John - not that you expected anything, but you hoped you would at least talk to each other - pointlessly. There was no point in talking to someone who was angry at you. This helplessness made you mad at him too - for god’s sake, he’s always been your friend - how did you both end up in that positions? Why on Earth did you both let that happen?

You were asking yourself questions, but they were pointless too. That was a new reality you must get used to since you were officially Arthur’s fiancee. Since that time the gang had to change its camp location so you all ended up near Grizzlies again, which was good in a way because none of your enemies looked for you there. It was bloody cold some days, but you didn’t mind as you kept yourself busy, working your ass off and saving money for the perfect dress you saw one day in Valentine’s store. You were about to get married, right? That was the thing that kept your thoughts away from your problems with John. Anyway, saving money wasn’t easy, but you kept telling yourself that it was worth it. Surprisingly soon, you had saved almost enough of it, but still, there were a few more bucks to go. Yeah, no one ever said a wedding dress is a cheap thing.

You dreamed of the private wedding -  where only you and Arthur would matter. However, Susan was all over planning your big day for you and decided differently, making sure everything was planned as she wanted - as you weren’t stressed already about marrying that guy, you also had to stress over everything else she was doing behind your back. 

“What about your dress? Your hair? Oh, does Arthur already has a suite?” She kept bombarding you with questions. “I think it would be best if the ceremony started at sunset…”

“Miss Grimshaw, please… I… I know you’re trying to help, but you just make everything more stressful than it should be.” You told her while she was following you as you walked through the camp. “I wish I could marry Arthur right now so we would spare this preparation.”

“Oh and by the way, have you seen him today?” You asked her, realising you hadn’t seen him all day. 

“He rode to Valentine earlier, but he had promised he would come back soon.” She replied calmly then came back to asking questions. “Have you talked to the priest?”

“He’d better.” You shrugged but at the same time started wondering what was taking him so long. You ignored her question, your mind focused on Arthur’s absence. “You know, maybe I should go and check on him?”

“John’s with him, so whatever you’re worried about - don’t be.” She patted your arm comfortingly. “So?”

“Yeah, now that I know he’s with John I’m double worried.” You said then smiled blankly, trying to keep your cool. “And no, I haven’t talked to the priest.”

Susan nodded in response then, after a brief moment, she walked away and disappeared inside her tent.

But leaving you with your thoughts alone was not a good idea - after a few minutes of thinking, you were on your way to the town. You couldn’t stop yourself, even though you knew it was a bad idea - you wanted to trust that everything was alright, but somehow, you couldn’t. So when you got to Valentine, you immediately knew where to look. It was getting dark and there was one place they could be back - saloon. You dismounted your horse and left it outside the building. There were sounds coming from the inside, many people talking loudly and singing while they were drinking their asses out. Valentine’s saloon at its best.

It took you a moment to find a familiar face in the crowd. _John’s_. You smiled uncontrollably when you saw him, but as soon as you noticed he was not sitting alone next to the counter, this smile, that was once on your face, disappeared. It was replaced by the confusion that overtook you when you realised he was there with… another girl. She must’ve been much younger than him, but still, she was looking at him with such a desire in her eyes, listening closely to every word he was saying to her. Suddenly, she started giggling and covered her mouth, letting her blonde hair cover the rest of her face. She liked him. And from the way he was acting, stroking her thigh gently, he liked her too.

It felt weird to watch him with someone else. _Someone who was not Abigail._ Your heart clenched and for a second you let jealousy took control over you. You huffed then turned around and wanted to leave as soon as you got there, but it was too late as someone’s hand stopped you by grabbing yours before you could do so.

“Looking for someone?” You didn’t even notice when John got to you. At first, you wanted to punch this pretty face of his, but held yourself back, realising he hadn’t done anything wrong. _It was you. The problem was in you_.

“Arthur.” You blurted, trying to maintain your poker face. “I’m looking for Arthur.”

“Yeah… sure.” John rubbed the back of his neck then laughed under his breath. “That’s why you’ve been staring at me since you got here?”

“I wasn’t staring at you…” You began explaining yourself. 

“What about this girl I was talking to? You looked as you were about to stab her in the back just for being next to me.”

“I wasn’t staring at any of you.” You repeated, feeling the jealousy spreading all over you. You clenched your fists then crossed your arms. “Besides, isn’t she too young for you?”

John laughed again in the most sarcastic way he could’ve. “And who’s asking me that? A girl who’s about to marry a guy… I’m not sure, ten years older?”

“Alright, forget me asking about that.” You shook your head, knowing you were going nowhere with your conversation. “So where’s Arthur?”

“Don’t know, he was around the last time I checked. But hey, Mary’s back in town, maybe he paid her a visit?”

Your face got pale in a second as John spoke those words to you. _Mary. Goddamn Mary._ The girl who brought you and Arthur so many problems was back again, this time in the worst timing she could’ve ever chosen. “No joking, John.”

“Told you so many times, he would never change.” His voice remained weirdly calm. “He would always chase after her and be an obedient dog for her. What? You don’t believe me? Go and see that yourself.”

“You’re…” You stopped yourself realising no matter how you would’ve called him it wouldn’t change a thing. “Doesn’t matter. I won’t give you that satisfaction.”

And with these words spoken, you turned around and left. Simply left, leaving him behind your back. You found yourself outside, in the middle of the main road in Valentine when it started raining and the clock stroke nine-thirty. It was getting late, you knew you should get back to camp, but something was holding you back. _Maybe John was not kidding? Maybe Arthur really did check on Mary again?_ Maybe you were just paranoid,  but deep inside you wanted to check if his words were true. At the same time, you wanted to trust Arthur. You wanted to believe that this time everything would be different, that this time both of you would do better.

So you mounted your horse and rode off, leaving all the doubts you had behind your back in Valentine.

~~~

You tried to remind yourself the last time you smoked as you slowly raised a cigarette and put it in your mouth, letting the smoke fill your lungs. You exhaled it after a while and looked ahead in the darkness that surrounded you. _Where were they? Maybe you should have checked on Arthur instead of leaving him with Mary? But what if John was lying just to piss you off and ruin your current relations with your future husband?_

Arthur told you he’s changed and you felt that he meant it. The proof was supposed to be the ring on your finger that shone in the darkness, reflecting the light of the slowly burning campfire. But at that moment you felt like… Like that day when he went to see Mary and left you all alone. It was the same kind of feeling, even though you weren’t sure if he actually went to see her again. 

And the worst thing was that he wasn’t there with you to prove John wrong.

“Are you alright?” Mary-Beth showed up in front of you unexpectedly. “It’s really cold, you should get back to the cabin if you don’t want to get sick. Besides, it’s late…”

“I’m alright, Mary-Beth… It’s just…” You looked up, trying to stop your eyes from crying. You raised your spare hand and wipe away the tears with the sleeve of your jacket. “God, I hate John.”

“And why is that so?” She asked as sat down next to you on the log. 

“Because… because he’s a douche that has been trying to sabotage my relationship with Arthur from the start. That’s w-why.” Your voice cracked. “And now Arthur’s gone and I met John in Valentine with that stupid girl and he said… Arthur went to see Mary again. I didn’t want to believe him but the longer I think about it…”

“Alright, stop.” The girl cackled then looked at you. “You know what I think? What’s your problem might be? You still have feelings for John. That’s why you pretend you hate him now. It’s easier…”

“It’s not about him.” You interrupted her.

“And that stupid girl?” She slightly raised her eyebrow. “I got it, you’re Arthur’s fiancée and I’m really happy for you if you’re happy, Y/N, but you seem to be far from happy right now. What I want to say… You’re my friend and I want what’s best for you. Just listen to your heart, okay?”

“My heart is the last thing I’m gonna listen to right now.” You shook your head, throwing what was left of your cigarette away. “I listened to it once and almost lost Arthur forever.”

“But… but for that one moment when you listened to it… weren’t you happy?” Mary-Beth smiled comfortingly at you and you knew what she wanted to say but she would never dare to. _God, why did she have to know you so well?_ “After all… wasn’t it worth it?”

 

_It sucks, doesn’t it?”_

_“Yeah.” John sighed, turning his head away but you stopped him with your hand._

_“Look at me, John.” You kept your voice down. “Don’t turn away from me.”_

_And as your eyes met, the tension between you two started to grow up rapidly and you were aware where it was going, but you didn’t stop it. You didn’t want it to stop._

_He grabbed your chin and lifted it up gently as he was leaning to kiss you. The kiss you shared was so pure, so subtle, so needed for you both. You closed your eyes and focused on John. He was your distraction as you desperately wanted him to be one. Slowly the kiss was becoming more intense. You put your hands in his hair, pulling yourself even closer to him while his hands wandered to your waist._

_“Fuck, beautiful.” His husky voice made you shiver. “I wish it was me who you kiss like that every goddamn day.”_

_“John…”  
_

_“Just… please, remember the way I kissed you.” He whispered. “Because I will never forget the way you kissed me even if you did it only to forget about him.”_

_“You love him, not me. You love a bastard who is looking after his ex.” John murmured after you didn’t say anything for a while. “While he has you.”_

Tears appeared in your eyes and your heart clenched when you reminded yourself about that moment. _You love him, not me_. You sighed heavily, brushing other tears away from your cheek. Mary-Beth was still looking at you silently, waiting for you to say something. You knew what she wanted you to say, but you were so good at lying yourself so you dared to try one last time. 

“It wasn’t.” 

You really wish you meant it.


	18. Chapter 18

“It’s past midnight, where the hell have you been?” You asked when you heard some noises in the dark. You were lying on the bed, looking at the shape of the body that was moving slowly in front of you. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you…” Arthur whispered, taking off the shirt and putting it on the chair. 

“Where have you been?” You asked again, this time with a more irritated tone. “Answer me.” 

“Valentine. John was with me, but you probably know that already.” He laid down next to you. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes hit you the moment he turned his face towards yours. “I should’ve told you… I just…”

What? Another excuse? His hand wandered to your cheek, but you brushed it off immediately. It was late. It was cold. And what was the most important, you were angry so this time you were far from listening to his excuses. “Were you with Mary?” 

“What?” You didn’t see his face well, but from his voice tone, you could imagine his surprised face. “Wait… What? Why are you even asking me that?” 

“It’s not the answer, Arthur.” 

“I wasn’t. I saw her in town, but I swear… We talked for a minute or two and then we went separate ways.” He sounded genuine. For the first time in a long time. “I told her about us getting married. She seemed shocked at first, but then she wished us all that’s best.”

“Oh, that’s… I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” You were abashed as you did not expect him to deny your accusation. “But it was nice of her. Even if it was fake.”

“Yeah… I didn’t believe her too.” His hand were back on your cheek and this time you let him caress it. “Why did you ask me about her?” 

_Shoot_. It would’ve been easier if he confirmed he was with Mary - then you could be mad, but in that situation, you had to find an excuse for yourself. If he was telling the truth, why wouldn’t you do the same then? 

“Susan told me about you going with John to Valentine and… I couldn’t stop myself and rode looking for you. Sadly, I found John first and he… Just told me you went to see her. I was so angry, but I decided…” You suddenly realised your voice was shaking. “I decided I didn’t want to go and check that myself. I wanted to trust you.”

You wish you had seen Arthur’s face, but the darkness made it impossible. You just saw the contours of it, nothing more. He sighed heavily, still caressing your cheek with the knuckles of his hand. “John told you so?” 

“Yeah, but I didn’t listen…” You began explaining yourself, but Arthur interrupted you.

“I know you didn’t.” He moved closer to and with the hand that was once on your cheek, he grabbed your chin and lifted it up gently. His lips met yours in a gentle kiss and you didn’t hesitate. You were still mad at him, but at the same time, you couldn’t say no to pleasure like this one. “My girl.”

“But I’m still mad at you.” You breathed out. “I… You can’t do this. You can’t disappear like that without telling me. If I’m supposed to be your wife soon, things like this one have to end. No more lying, no more secrets, no more seeing Mary.” 

“You’re really demanding person, Y/N. You can’t tame the outlaw in me, you know that?” His lips brushed yours again, his stubble scratched your skin gently.

“But it doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try.” You said, suddenly finding yourself in his arms. He held you close to him and you had to admit - you loved that feeling of having him close to you. Moments like this one you appreciated the most - when he was just yours and you were his. There was nothing that could break you, even if it lasted for a little while. It was what you always wanted - a stable relationship where you could feel loved and protected. However, there was still a question if Arthur could really give you that? You have known him for a while but still wasn’t so sure about that. 

“You’re a believer, aren’t you? But some things you can’t change, Y/N. I want you to remember that.” Arthur said after a while. 

“What do you mean?”

“Me. You can’t change me and my old habits.” 

“Oh. I see.” You unconsciously nodded and moved away from him a little, giving yourself and Arthur some space. “I didn’t want… What I said,  I didn’t want it to sound like I wanted to change you. But some things in your behaviour could change. That’s it.” 

“Okay. I will try to behave, beautiful.” He turned to his back, stretching his sore muscles. “I think we can call it a night now?” 

“I just want to ask you about one more thing.” You leaned on your elbow. “If you weren’t with Mary… Then where have you been?” 

“God, don’t be nosy.” Arthur laughed, but you didn’t exactly know why. “You will find out at the right time, Y/N. Now sleep, I’m right next to you and you have nothing to worry about.” 

~~~

Two weeks. Two weeks till you were about to marry Arthur Morgan. 

It was a strange feeling because in a way you felt as if you two were close to each other but at the same time, you have been moving away from each other since… Since the time you were pregnant. Maybe it was the reason that the man you once felt really close to feel… Distant. Arthur has always been a distant person but not this much. He acted like nothing changed but you could feel that, after all, something did. Then how could you marry a man you felt distant from? 

You two had memories and a long history together. You knew him as no one else did or at least you thought so. But maybe someone knew him better… Maybe that person was Mary. She kept coming back to you like a moth to the light. However, it wasn’t even about her anymore. The thing was that suddenly Arthur felt more like a… stranger. Like someone else. Maybe the things that happened to you two changed him so much, he just couldn’t get over them. Things that changed him so deeply, he couldn’t go back to the person he had been before them. You were struggling yourself, but there was a chance it hurt him even more than you. It wasn’t the first time he lost a child and you knew that, but still were afraid that if you talk to him about it, it might hurt him even deeper. A situation without an exit. A crossfire. 

You still cared about him, even though he has changed. You have always wanted him so why were you even trying to question your decisions? You made a choice - Arthur proposed to you and you said yes almost immediately. So why are you suddenly started having second thoughts? 

Yeah, you knew why and probably everyone who noticed a change in your relationship with Arthur knew that too - it was not this hard. It was rather obvious. John. 

Because he was your friend or at least you hoped he still was your friend. Because he hasn’t changed, even though you have been through a lot together too. He got shot because of you. He has been watching you and other man being together while he could only stare at you with a corner of his eye. He has always been there when you needed him. He rejected a mother of his son, because of you. Or maybe because of what she has done to you. Anyway, he was there for you when no one else was not and it mattered to you. It was priceless. 

The cold wind blew as you walked outside the cabin in the early morning, buttoning your leather jacket. You remembered saving money on it and when you eventually bought it, it was one of the best days in your life. It was in the first year when you joined Dutch’s gang. A year when you gained a family of your own. Something you have never had before. It was like a blessing - who would have thought it could become a curse too? Because the life of an outlaw is hard and ruthless - sometimes you did not even know if you were going to wake up the next day. However, there was something addicting about it - freedom. Endless freedom you thought you could’ve never resigned from.

“Good morning,” Hosea said, walking towards you with two cups of coffee in his hands. “Rough night?” 

“Good morning.” You replied, taking one of the cups for yourself. “Rather a good one. I can’t remember the last time I slept almost a whole night.” 

“Arthur’s still asleep?” 

“Yes, he came back late at night.” You took a sip, feeling the pleasant feeling of warmth spreading in your throat.

“Let me know when he wakes up. John did not come back last night and I think Arthur know where he might be.” Hosea told you and was about to walk away when you said: 

“I think I might have an idea where he can be too. So let Arthur sleep a little bit longer, I can take care of that.”

“You can?” He asked as he did not really believe you. 

“I went looking for Arthur yesterday, but found John instead.” You replied then finished your coffee and put the cup away. “He is in Valentine, I’m sure of that. I can ride there and take him back home. I might even know what he is doing right now…” 

“Oh, spare me the details, child.” Hosea smiled at you and nodded his head. “Go then. I will tell Arthur not to worry too much about you. He won’t listen to me, I’m sure.” 

“Yeah, he won’t.” You agreed and nodded at him then went straight to your horse. 

In a blink of an eye, on this cold morning, you were on your way back to Valentine. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished and my bloody eyes can rest in peace. Sorry for all the mistakes I didn’t notice. Sorry for my bad writing lately. Sorry for the waiting. But secretly I hope it’s not that bad after all. Thank you for your support. It’s been priceless from the start. ❤️😊

You arrived in Valentine around eight maybe eight-thirty to be exact. It was cold and early enough to keep most of its citizens in their houses, so you did not pass many people when you were riding through the town, wondering where John might have ended up last night. Intuition was telling you that he stayed the night at the motel nearby saloon - the same one you where you spent a night with Arthur a long time ago.

_Yeah, looking back, it was easier for you back then._

You listened to your guts and entered the building then greeted the man who was standing behind the reception desk. He did not ask who you were - perhaps many girls have passed him since last night, so he did not care about your identity at all. You were one of many, no one special for him. When you were upstairs, you realised you had not even asked that man about John being here. You sighed heavily and wondered how you could be so thoughtless sometimes, but there was nothing you could do - you had to wait for him to show up. _He had to leave his room eventually, right?_

After an hour or so, one of the doors opened rapidly and a pretty, young girl left, shutting the doors behind her. Soon you realised it was the same girl you saw with John last night in the saloon. _The same girl that was smiling at him last night. The girl he probably spent a night with._

“Fuck you, John!” She shouted. “I wish I could get my time back!”

“Yeah, that’s wishful thinking!” He responded despite the closed doors. “See you, Nancy!”

The girl cursed under her breath quietly then shrugged like nothing has happened and walked down the stairs quickly. You had taken a deep breath before you asked yourself what were you exactly doing there. _Why were you there in the first place?_ _It was finally getting pretty good with Arthur and you ended up here? Right in front of John’s motel room?_ Despite your doubts, you approached and knocked on the doors. _  
_

“Nancy, I told you I-” John said as he opened the door, but stopped when he saw you there instead of his new _friend_. “Y/N? What the hell are you doing here?”

You did not answer at first as you might forget how to speak when you saw him wearing only his black, wore jeans. This messy look of him definitely suited him, a few days stubble on his face made him look even more handsome than usual. _  
_

_Why the hell you ever thought of that?_

“Hosea was worried about you and I told him I might have an idea where you are. So I mounted my horse and rode here and…” You swallowed loudly, realising that the look of his naked chest was really disturbing for you. You could not even find a proper excuse for yourself. John noticed you staring at him and smirked, opening the door wider. “Here I am.”

“Yeah, I see that.” He moved aside and with the gesture of hand he invited you in. “Come in.”

You nodded and entered the room - it was small, cosy space with a big bed in the centre of it. You could not help but notice the messy sheets on it - it had to be one fun night for him. As it started to get warm in the room, you took off your jacket and put in on the wooden chair in the corner, right next to the door.

“That girl…” You started talking and soon you realised you could have chosen a better way to start this conversation.

“Nancy.” John corrected you, closing the door.

“Right, Nancy… So how was it?” You asked, walking nervously around the room. “Do you like her?”

“Really?” He chuckled, leaning his back against the wall near the window. “I ain’t gonna answer that. Besides, I suppose you’re not here to ask me questions I won’t bother to ask, right?”

“I’m not. I was just… wondering.” You shrugged. “That’s it.”

“So what are you doing here?”

“I told you… We were worried about you when you did not come back for the night. I’m here to bring you back to camp.”

“That’s what I thought, but I’m a big boy so go back to the camp and tell Hosea I’m fine. I’m just fine.” He approached the window and looked outside. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Don’t I?” You asked rhetorically. “Listen, I know… This whole situation with Arthur and me… I wanted to check if you’re…”

“I’m perfectly fine, Y/N. I had a good night with a pretty decent girl, what else can I want?” He turned around abruptly. “What? An unexpected answer?”

“No, it’s just… I was worried about you, that’s it.” You blurted, stopping right in front of him. It was not an entire truth but you hoped you would not have to tell him more than that to explain yourself. “I’m glad you had fun then.”

“Thanks.” He replied shortly. “To be honest, I… Just don’t know what to think anymore, Y/N. You should stop doing that to yourself and to me.”

“Doing what?” He surprised you with what he had said. 

“Giving me hope that one day you and I will be together. We won’t be and you should know that well by now.” John sat down at the edge of the bed. “However, you’re still here. Having any doubts about Arthur maybe?”

“I don’t have any.” You sat down next to him and looked at your left hand, at the ring on your finger. “I guess I made my choice some time ago. But it doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you, John.”

You did not notice your hands laying so close until John’s fingertips had touched yours. This time you did not take your hand back nor shiver. You looked at your hands then at John’s face that smiled at your touch. 

“Oh, sorry…” You whispered and wanted to take your hand back, but he held it down. 

“It’s alright.” He replied, caressing the outer part of your hand. “I don’t mind it at all. I wanted to be tough, but… It’s you. I’m a fool when it comes to you and you know that.”

“John…”

“Yeah, I know. I ain’t gonna start talking about it. Again.” He smiled gently. “Remind me, when does the wedding take place?”

“In two weeks.” You said, playing with the ring on your finger. John did not answer for a moment, clearly lost in his thoughts. “What you’re thinking about so fiercely?”

“I’m thinking about how much I want to kiss you right now.”

“We can’t…” He had leaned down and kissed you tenderly before you could finish the sentence. His harsh lips brushed yours, his tongue played teasingly with yours and for a moment you forgot about the world outside the room you were in. Your hands caressed the stubble on his neck then wandered to his torso and… 

“We really can’t do that, John.” You breathed out, pulling away from him. Quickly, you realised what you have just done. And there were so many reasons why you should not have done that. “We have to stop before we’re gonna regret it.”

“I just wanted to do this one last time before he will take you away from me forever.” 

You sniffed. “You think this will change anything?” 

“I think you deserve much better than Arthur.”

“Stop. I can’t be listening to you. When you’re around nothing makes a goddamn sense!” You stood up rapidly, grabbing your coat from the chair and heading to the doors. You just grabbed the door handle when he said:

“All he ever did was use you. Why can’t you see that?” 

“Please, not now…” You said coldly, turning around to see his face. “You know what? Now I don’t even know why I came to see you. You were right, we can’t do that to ourselves anymore.”

“Oh, were I? Give me one good reason why.” 

“Because I love my fiance, John. And it might be foolish, but that’s the way it is. I’m so sorry.”

“You’re breaking my fucking heart and all you’re gonna say is that you’re sorry?” He sounded bitter and angry. “I’m not fine. I know I said I were but I’m not. Haven’t been for a while now.”

“I don’t feel things I used to. All I want now is to make my relationship with Arthur work. If I could turn back time… I would never kiss you again. I would never let you get into my head again…” You shut your eyes, tears falling slowly down your cheeks. “I guess I came because I wanted to feel something. Something I was missing for a long time. But you can’t give me that and I can’t love you. Not the way I love him.”

“I don’t believe you… Y/N, please…”

“No. No, no, no. That’s your problem, John. Get over me.” You said tonelessly then opened the door and walked out of the room. You started shaking as you walked down the stairs, tears streaming down your face uncontrollably. You could not go through that again. You did not want to hurt anyone for a moment of… _Pleasure? Because that was what you felt when you were with John._

Took you a while to understand that whatever you felt for John was not as strong as feelings for Arthur. You were a fool thinking anyone could ever replace him. A fool who wanted to risk it all for lust. Eventually, you learned to see the difference between love and desire. 

Desires never last. 

You never told anyone why you came back crying to the camp that day. Not even Arthur, although he asked you multiple times. You did not want to talk about it, you wanted to forget, but you could not. The thing you did to John, but it was the only way you could think of to make things better in the end. At last, you made the right choice. No more hurting him. No more giving him false hope. It was the right choice or at least, you kept telling yourself that.

John did not come back to camp since the day you two had a fight. Everyone thought he just disappeared like he always used to and would be back soon. However, no one knew about a real reason he was gone. It made you feel even more guilty than before - you were blaming yourself for the argument and since he did not come back, you were also blaming yourself for his absence. _For god’s sake, he had a son. He could not just disappear like that._

Two weeks later, a day before your wedding while you were still struggling with a sense of guilt, a letter has arrived at the camp. Addressed to you. It was packed in a creased envelope and your name was written on it. You waited till you were alone in the evening and opened the letter in your tent, knowing no one would interrupt you while you read. 

_You knew who it was from._

So with shaking hands you opened the envelope and started to read:

_“Dear Y/N,_

_I hope you’re doing well. I’m not doing well, but that’s not the reason why I’m writing this letter to you. I want to apologise for disappearing without a proper goodbye. After our fight, I couldn’t get back to camp as the thought of seeing you marrying the man who is not me was unbearable. I decided to get some time alone, away from the gang. Away from you.  
_

_I could count many reasons why ‘we’ would never work, but I also know one good reason why ‘we’ would work out. Because I love you and I don’t think I will ever stop. But it doesn’t matter anymore, does it?  
_

_Right now I’m probably far away, but please, don’t worry about me. I will be good. I will figure things out, but I need time. So don’t do stupid things and don’t look for me - this will be better for both of us.  
_

_P.S Please tell Jack that I love him and Abigail that I’m so fucking sorry for being a terrible parent. I’m not sure if I will ever be able to make it up to them._

_Take care,  
_

_John.”  
_

_Oh dear_. You stared on the piece of paper for a moment, feeling this uncomfortable feeling in your chest. _Would it ever be possible for you to get over him?_


End file.
